The competition is getting closer, as players get hurt, teams sign free agents, and some of us just go crazy. That’s football!
Louisville, KY: Bolstered by the success of former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain in early Republican polling, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. “Papa John” Schnatter, the 50 year old pizza mogul, announced his decision from his company’s headquarters this morning. “It’s time that Americans stand up and demand what’s best for our country. It’s time for us to realize that we don’t want the CEO of the 8th best pizza chain being responsible for running our nation… we want the CEO from the 3rd best pizza chain running our nation!” he stated in a press release.
When dealing with Halloween, you’re also pitting yourself against one of the fab 4 of last century’s late movie monsters: Michael Meyers. How can the holiday of Halloween ever be touched again? Frank Sabatella, director of Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet, took on this challenge, and is in the process of finalizing his latest short film, Night of the Pumpkin.
Los Angeles, CA: The father of Lindsay Lohan can be called many things: child-star coattail rider; drug addict; Lawn Guyland scum dumpster; Z-list celebri-whore. Finally, after the latest Lindsay-Tracker event, he can be called what he always wished to be: father of the year.
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Sirte, LIBYA: The world lost a legend today, as Libyan revolutionary forces surrounded the village of Sirte in a man-hunt for Tommy Lee Jones, who allegedly died in a shoot-out between the opposing forces. Witnesses confirmed that they saw the tall, elderly gentleman with Aviators enter a tunnel in the town, and did not emerge after a group of armed revolutionaries entered.
Moonbeam Crenshaw warns us about our future by telling us we are all doomed.
Vancouver, BC- CANADA: Shia LaBeouf, the awkward-looking “star” of the famously horrific ‘Transformers’ franchise has, after much consideration, decided on his fallback career. LaBeouf knows that, sooner or later, his luck will run out and moviegoers will realize that he lacks both the talent and the good looks required to be a marquee star. When this happens, the job offers will cease to arrive and he will need a second career. His career of choice? Punching bag.
Las Vegas, NV: For some, IndyCar is synonymous with speed, precision, and cold-blooded racing techniques. For most, it is lumped in with NASCAR as “just another race car league.” Officials in charge of the Las Vegas Raceway have been questioned on the safety of the track after critics and drivers expressed their concerns on the conditions. This has led to a safe and easy solution by IndyCar president Randy Bernard that would make all tracks safe.
The world doesn’t seem to have many horror memes. Sure, we have cats playing pianos, gang violence involving Domo, and enough Lazy Town pedophilia references to make Bob Saget blush. But come Halloween, very few pictures come across the internet to get those real “LOL”s out in front of the computer.