Washington, DC: After polling more than 127 million people, the newly formed National Polling Agency has determined that the state of Ohio is, by far, the worst of the 50 states in terms of livability. With more than 87 million votes, Ohio easily took first place in the poll, which was conducted in every state (including the often overlooked state of  Alaska) over the course of a year.

The poll, which appeared unannounced in mailboxes, asked citizens to rate the quality of each state based on a number of conditions, including, but not limited to economic growth, cultural significance, construction, and, most importantly, fun things to do. The only state that came close to Ohio was Michigan, in second place, with an estimated 32 million votes.

“We were not shocked by the results,” said Stacey Annepard, head researcher. “We knew Ohio was the worst state in the union. We just didn’t know if everybody agreed with us. It turns out that they do.”

“The poll is right on,” said Justin Buttskin, a Cleveland native. “There is absolutely nothing to do here and the people suck. I mean, if it wasn’t for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame, Ohio would probably be completely forgotten. The jobs, bowling alleys, and football teams all suck. Have you ever been to Cleveland? That place, along with Akron, are two of the worst cities on Earth.”

Annie Smilkowitz, Buttskin’s common-law wife, agrees. “I used to think that the Bengals would bring Ohio to prominence, but I gave up hope in 1990. I’m the only one in my family who hasn’t fled for greener pastures. People give me all kinds of grief for staying here, but this is my home and I ain’t leaving!”

“Eighty-two percent of Ohio natives leave the state by the time they turn twenty-five,” said Annepard. “Nearly half of the remaining eighteen percent only remain for one of three reasons: they are incarcerated, they are on parole and forbidden from leaving the state, or they are stupid. There are those that eventually return to the state, however, and they, too, fall into the latter category.”

Rumors have been swirling that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation, which oversees Cleveland’s, and by extension, Ohio’s only viable landmark, has been in talks with the cities of Memphis, Tennessee and St. Louis, Missouri, in the hopes that the museum can be moved to a state that people actually visit. The current president of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister fame and the 83rd greatest metal vocalist, according to Hit Parade magazine, refused to address these rumors.

“No comment, no comment, no comment,” said Snider. He then winked and called the governor of nearby Indiana, which placed fourth in the poll.

By J-Sin

15 thoughts on “Nationwide Poll: Ohio Deemed Worst State”
  1. Ohioans boast of their above average IQs which are rated by adding up those of all their family members but then neglecting to divide.

  2. I just moved to this state with my boyfriend and we are already ready to leave. This is the skankiest place I have ever been in my life and I hate it!

  3. There’s some dildo that lives there by the name of Miles O’toole. He loves it there. Of course he’s half retarded and sports a rapist’s mustache.

  4. I live in Ohio, and while I tend to agree with this article, I can say that I do know a guy in california who broke his hip trimming his own hedges. Apparently thy don’t grow them really tough out there, because I can trim the hedges with wrecking my skeleton. And he has really feminine tribal design tattoos on his arms. Probably to overcompensate for the fact that he broke his hip doing something a housewife could do.

  5. Ohio is not the greatest state in the union… But you know what the worst thing about it is?

    Hearing everybody bitch about how bad they want to leave Ohio, or how much Ohio sucks!

    If you hate it so much, LEAVE.

  6. Truth is often stranger, and in Ohio’s case sadder than fiction. The latest edition of “Freedom in the 50 States, 2011” an index of “Personal and Economic Freedom” compiled by the prestigious Mercatus Center at George Mason University shows Ohio as being the 42nd Least Free State in the Union. Still, Ohioans can for a time at least look down on New York and Jew Jersey which ranked 50th and 49th respectively.

  7. I grew up in Ohio. I hated that place and it’s people, and they likewise hated me. The FIRST chance I got to leave I did, and found that other states (particularly the west coast) are SO much nicer and friendlier. I will NEVER go back to Ohio! That place is hell.

  8. living in Ohio must of my life i would have to agree with all the things said in the above article however there are problems everywhere…. Being with anonymous we must see what is most important and instead of watching we must act. however living in Ohio i must start with change here at home we cannot do this by ourself but we can all do this as 1

  9. Totally agree…. the worst state ever on everything…. they pretend that civilians become slaves…. is an apocalyptical state… don’t even think about to come to this state… once you get in you can’t get out…. not recomendable…. and for sure this state deserve to be deleted from U.S…. make people work without pay….. beware don’t come over

  10. I know this is an old article but Ohio has a lot of promise and is not a terrible state. The Southeast is a beautiful region with small towns perfect for raising a family. The colleges provide many opportunities for higher education and every town is different. No need to diss the entire state based on one or two cities. This article is a worthless representation of thousands of peoples’ livelihoods. Eh, it’s probably just a troll article to get people like me riled up anyway.

    But seriously, you’re wrong when you assume Ohio is the worst state. Have you ever been to West Virginia?

  11. I’ve lived in Ohio my entire life. I’m 20 years old. I’ve made some lifelong friends here, but nearly all of us have one thing in common: we plan to get the hell of Ohio as soon as possible! Most people here, honestly, are pretty cool. That is, until you’re behind their backs getting talked about. I realize this happens everywhere, but it happens way too often here. The weather is an absolute wreck. Don’t even think about getting dressed until you look at the weather forecast, because it might be in the negatives one day and 50+ the next day. No exaggeration. The cost of living is average, but plenty of nicer states have it lower than here. Jobs are easy to get if you have a college education because the majority of residents are uneducated fucks. People my age seriously get high and go to the local Walmart for fun. Does THAT sound fun?! My point. After I graduate college, job or no job, this place can kiss my ass goodbye.

    Good things about Ohio: Nice summers, great schools, the Bengals (recently), the Reds.

  12. This place actually sucks. I’ve lived in Ohio my entire life, and everyone here has issues. When someone asks me where I’m from, I lie. This place is embarrassing. Summer is literally two and a half months of exceptional weather, and the rest of the year is a freezing, snowy HELL. There’s no sidewalks, nothing fun to do… I’m in high school. People literally get drunk and have sex because it’s -651265 degrees outside, the get high and hang out at Walmart, and their idea of the beach is Lake Erie. I hate everyone here. I hate everything here, which is easy to say, considering there’s practically nothing in this retarded state. I can’t wait to leave so my life can actually begin.

  13. Ohio is the most raggedy, worthless piece of crap state in this whole country. The people are morbidly obese and they have the ugliest women in the country. Everything in Ohio is broken- go to the gas station and half the pumps don’t work. The streets are full of holes. The CAVS SUCK! THEY WERE LOSERS EVEN WHEN THEY HAD LEBRON. And we won’t get started on the Browns. Can we sell Ohio back to the Native Americans now?

  14. ohio sucks yes we have known that for years, now stop coming down to visit Charleston, SC so much.i see your Ohio license plates everywhere and you suck at driving.

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