St. Joseph, Baby Jesus’ Adoptive Father, Tired of Being Ignored
Galilee, ISRAEL: St. Joseph, husband of Mary and adoptive father of Jesus H. Christ, wants to make it known that he is “sick and tired of being ignored.” According to…
Baseball Implements Steroid Clause to Re-Gain Interest
Spring has arrived. The sight of freshly mowed grass, the sound of the first crack of a bat and the smell of cracker jacks. Indeed, Major League Baseball is back,…
Coach Calipari and Wildcats Eye Vacated Undefeated Season
Lexington, KY: Celebrations for The University of Kentucky’s first NCAA National Championship since 1998 continued into a third day Wednesday, as hundreds of thousands of fans, armed to the tooth,…
Morris Claiborne, NFL Prospect, Unsure Who Wonderlic Is
Morris Claiborne, a highly touted cornerback from LSU who is destined to be a top-ten pick in this year’s NFL draft, is retarded. Claiborne, who is skilled on the field…
Canada Nixes Penny; US to Reintroduce Half Cent
Toronto, Canadialand—Today, the Canadian government announced a decision to no longer use the Canadian penny. Due to inflation, a lack of coin purses, and the fact that Coinstar charges more…
Slighted Man Adds Ex’s Hoo-Ha to Foursquare
New York, NY: Spring is a time of rejuvenation, a time when “a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love”, as Alfred Lord Tennyson put it. Unfortunately, the…
Giant Cartoon Mau5head Slams Madonna for Drug References
Miami, FL: The conclusion of the Ultra Music Festival in Miami was business as usual when a man wearing a giant, bright pink cartoon mouse helmet accused the now literal…
Tiger Woods Wins to Get Back Pride, Pimping Lifestyle
Orlando, FL: A Tiger Woods span of 923 days and 27 tournaments. No, this is not how long he’s held the #1 spot in the PGA. He lost that spot…
Coroner Reports Whitney Houston Did Not OD on Soap Scum
Los Angeles, CA: After almost a month and a half of examination, blood testing, and the repetition of “I Will Always Love You” written by Dolly Parton, the LA Coroners…
Pettitte Re-Signs, Resigns, then Re-Signs Again with Yankees
Tampa, FL: The roster confusion within the New York Yankees continues, as perennial Yankee Andy Pettitte once again signed with the team, this time to a minor league deal with…