Toronto, Canadialand—Today, the Canadian government announced a decision to no longer use the Canadian penny. Due to inflation, a lack of coin purses, and the fact that Coinstar charges more to count a penny than one gets to cash it in, the Canadian finance minister Jim Flaherty said it was no longer sensible to mint the copper coins.

“The fact is, they aren’t worthwhile anymore. A gumball costs a quarter, the tooth fairy is putting Toonies under kids’ pillows, and I can’t say ‘a penny for your thoughts’ without someone giving a $5 counter-offer,” said the finance minister. “Few people know this, but we actually stopped producing them three years ago. The entire nation has been running on its self-sustaining supply of coins coming from the ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ trays in convenience stores.”

The move is expected to have numerous benefits. The money saved in not minting pennies is expected to be returned to the citizens in the form of a free dozen donuts to every family in the country. The reduced weight of pennies in car ashtrays is expected to improve the fuel economy of Canada’s cars by approximately 2 miles per gallon (or in the native measurement of Canada, 3.4 decibels per kerfluffle). And the costs of universal healthcare are expected to decline, as medical claims for penny-related back injuries are expected to plummet among armored car guards, banktellers, and little old ladies at Halloween.

Upon hearing that his cargo was worthless, one armored truck driver crashed in apathy.

South of the border, Canada’s red-headed step-sibling America is preparing to announce the re-issue of the half-cent in response to their own unique economic situation. Speaker of the House John Boehner lauded the move as “the most important step in decades of providing the working families of America with what they need and deserve, a coin that reflects the frugality and value our nation places on their efforts.”

Speaker Boehner pointed out the monetary value of the move. “Look, Canada got rid of its penny because it cost 1.5 cents to make a penny. But here in America, we pay 1.8 cents to make a penny. That means our penny is worth more! Why would we get rid of it? Instead, we can have a HALF-PENNY that costs the same 1.8 cents… we’re coming out ahead! It’s worth twice as much!”

When asked about the half-penny, Director of the US Mint Joan Wheeble indicated that it was actually the brainchild of current US presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “It was Mr. Romney who originally came up with the idea. He wanted a way to put just as many coins back in the pockets of middle-class America while cutting taxes for the top 1% in half. It was, technically, the most logical solution.”

In the meantime, current President Barack Obama has hailed the mood as a fantastic job-creation opportunity. “With this move, we can double the number of workers employed by the US Mint’s Penny Division. Furthmore, we will create more opportunity for penny-pinchers, and penny-ante poker players, and penny whistle manufacturing. Without the penny, we’d be stuck with an economy that got nickeled and dimed to death.”

As a result of these two policy changes, the world currency markets are currently in flux; it is expected that, once uncertainty fades, nobody will give a shit about any amount less than a dollar.