Republicans Celebrate Party’s Triumph Over Science
GOP leaders gathered yesterday to celebrate a successful year for the Republican Party, capped off with an 11% decline in the belief in evolution with their colleagues.
Shock Therapy Could Erase Painful Memories Like Seeing “The Iron Giant”
Shock therapy could lead to the deletion of selective memory. Yes, just like in that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Polar Vortex Leads to Officially ‘Fucking Cold’ Temperatures
With twenty-six states in the midst of wind-chill warnings and other temperature alerts due to a polar vortex, meteorologists across the Midwest have finally come to an agreement: it's fucking…
US Government to Destroy Over 1,000 Tons of Elmo Dolls for Environmental Safety
Following the destruction of ivory, the United States takes aim at Elmo dolls.
Local Asshole Refuses to Have a Happy New Year
Happy New Year? No thanks, already had one.
Nature Experts Gather to Study Running of the Shoppers
As the holidays draw near and the bargains begin to blow in, the rare in-person shopper begins its slow migration to the local discount stores.
Delta Airlines Starts “We Hate Everyone, Equally” Campaign
Delta Airlines announced a new policy that it hopes will foster an atmosphere of equal-opportunity hatred towards and from all its customers.
North Korea Faxes South Korea Threatening Message Due to Faulty Dial-up Connection
The cutting edge technology of the North Korean military was displayed once again as officials in North Korea allegedly faxed a threat to the South Korea.
Shia LaBeouf Apologizes for Plagiarized Apology for Plagiarizing Dan Clowes
Shia LaBeouf just can't stop plagiarizing!
World Shocked that A&E Shocked by Duck Dynasty Star’s Bigoted Comments
In a recent news report that has surprised no one, bearded hillbilly patriarch Phil Robertson of the bearded hillbilly A&E reality show Duck Dynasty is believed to be a racist,…