Duck Dynasty/A&E Network

West Monroe, LA: In a recent news report that has surprised no one, bearded hillbilly patriarch Phil Robertson of the bearded hillbilly A&E reality show Duck Dynasty is believed to be a racist, homophobic bigot, which is considered the norm of most residents of the Louisiana bayous.

This obvious portrayal of Robertson that seemingly all but those at A&E were aware of was officially brought to light when Robertson conducted an interview with GQ Magazine, a men’s magazine focused on fashion, style, technology, and food that is normally not in line with hillbilly culture. In the interview, Robertson expounded on beliefs such as homosexuality being a sin along with beastiality and promiscuity, and explained how black people were happy in their station in life with his own “white trash” culture.

The interview has since spurred A&E to suspend Phil Robertson indefinitely from future programming for Duck Dynasty, as network executives were surprised that a bearded hillbilly wearing camouflage in the bayous of Louisiana that manufactures hunting gear for a living, including duck callers, could actually be a racist, homophobic bigot.

“Sure, the Robertsons didn’t exactly run around in white sheets burning crosses, but come on. Just look at them,” stated reverse racist Andrew DiPolente. “Every time I see them I hear banjo music in the background.”

It is believed that A&E suspended Phil Robertson in order to protect their advertising investment. Duck Dynasty currently averages a viewership of 14 million per episode, out of which 5 viewers may be offended by Robertson’s comments and boycott advertisers that support the show. The other 13,999,995 viewers may actually support advertisers even more so.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.