Racism and prejudice in general were dealt a mighty blow recently, as scientists confirmed that human beings each harbor one of at least three different groupings of stomach bacteria. Much to the dismay of racist bigots everywhere, studies have also shown that the bacteria strands are not race, class, creed, sex, or sexual orientation related.
Who knows why the sun shines on empty? To figure out who in their right mind would even think of such a question and, by default, who would know the answer, we must first answer the question, “Why does the sun shine on empty?” This question then begs another question: “When does the sun shine on empty?” Please, put away the psychedelic mushrooms. We can get through this.
New York, NY: Drugs; prostitution; public urination. These are just a few of the activities that made the Times Square of the past so interesting. Sometimes all three activities could happen at the same time, as a crackhead may offer you the sexual favor of a golden shower right in the middle of the sidewalk, pee on you whether or not you agreed, and rob you. So when former president Bill Clinton mentioned that the Times Square of the past was “romantic, fascinating”, most of the public agreed.
Pittsburgh, PA: In one of the clearest signs yet of Ben Roethlisberger’s futile attempts to change his reputation, the Steelers quarterback has told a Pittsburgh newspaper that his new religious beliefs preclude him from living with his fiancée, even though she still works as an escort.
Washington DC—This week, members of US Congress worked out a deal to keep the government running while details of the federal budgets were debated. While this deal keeps many minor aspects of the government such as military paychecks and the IRS function, the most critical component that was kept in motion was the White House Gift Shop.
Huntington, NY: In the world of the internet, he or she who has the most free toys, wins. One savvy techno-whiz, Paul Shenker, took this idea to the outer limits when trying to organize the best free-based car stereo system on the planet, no matter how much he would have to pay up-front. “I’ve been trying to get free crap since I was in pre-school,” explined Mr. Shenker. “We would line up for milk, and I would make sure I was at the front. That way I could change into my other clothes underneath the Little Tykes table, slap a hat on my head, and get a second round. Easy.”
Your fear of radiation, while probably well intended, is faulted. There is nothing wrong with having a few thousand rems flash through your body. Some say, “Oh, but I live in Japan! I was one of the plant crew that stayed around while the core melted our skin off!” To those critics, I say, “Well you’re still alive. Surely radiation must have helped with that!”