Pittsburgh, PA: In one of the clearest signs yet of Ben Roethlisberger’s futile attempts to change his reputation, the Steelers quarterback has told a Pittsburgh newspaper that his new religious beliefs preclude him from living with his fiancée, even though she still works as an escort.
Washington DC—This week, members of US Congress worked out a deal to keep the government running while details of the federal budgets were debated. While this deal keeps many minor aspects of the government such as military paychecks and the IRS function, the most critical component that was kept in motion was the White House Gift Shop.
Huntington, NY: In the world of the internet, he or she who has the most free toys, wins. One savvy techno-whiz, Paul Shenker, took this idea to the outer limits when trying to organize the best free-based car stereo system on the planet, no matter how much he would have to pay up-front. “I’ve been trying to get free crap since I was in pre-school,” explined Mr. Shenker. “We would line up for milk, and I would make sure I was at the front. That way I could change into my other clothes underneath the Little Tykes table, slap a hat on my head, and get a second round. Easy.”
Your fear of radiation, while probably well intended, is faulted. There is nothing wrong with having a few thousand rems flash through your body. Some say, “Oh, but I live in Japan! I was one of the plant crew that stayed around while the core melted our skin off!” To those critics, I say, “Well you’re still alive. Surely radiation must have helped with that!”
Imperial, NE: After a burst appendix nearly cost 4-year-old Colton Burpo his life in 2003, his parents were thankful just to have him alive and well. But when he opened his formerly bratty mouth about his brush with death a few months later, they were shocked when he described a very vivid trip via express escalator to heaven, and spoke of matters about which he had no apparent way of knowing, except for the extremely slim possibility that he overheard his parents talking about them time and time again.
Bel Aire, CA: After years of waiting while younger, more surprising celebrities passed on, the final chapter of death pools worldwide was closed yesterday. Dick Clark has defeated Elizabeth Taylor.
New York, NY: This past weekend tragedy struck, as that orbiting chunk of rock, the moon, came a whole 2 inches closer to the Earth than usual. The proximity caused a rippling effect of disaster, as supermoon sightings caused havoc down the East Coast.