Your fear of radiation, while probably well intended, is faulted. There is nothing wrong with having a few thousand rems flash through your body. Some say, “Oh, but I live in Japan! I was one of the plant crew that stayed around while the core melted our skin off!” To those critics, I say, “Well you’re still alive. Surely radiation must have helped with that!”
Imperial, NE: After a burst appendix nearly cost 4-year-old Colton Burpo his life in 2003, his parents were thankful just to have him alive and well. But when he opened his formerly bratty mouth about his brush with death a few months later, they were shocked when he described a very vivid trip via express escalator to heaven, and spoke of matters about which he had no apparent way of knowing, except for the extremely slim possibility that he overheard his parents talking about them time and time again.
Bel Aire, CA: After years of waiting while younger, more surprising celebrities passed on, the final chapter of death pools worldwide was closed yesterday. Dick Clark has defeated Elizabeth Taylor.
New York, NY: This past weekend tragedy struck, as that orbiting chunk of rock, the moon, came a whole 2 inches closer to the Earth than usual. The proximity caused a rippling effect of disaster, as supermoon sightings caused havoc down the East Coast.
Hollywood/Chicago: The beat goes on for Charlie Sheen. Now content with taking only the drug known as ‘Charlie Sheen’, Sheen has traded his addiction to drugs and hookers in for an addiction to caffeine and further lunacy.
Unfortunately, someone always has to take things too far, and spoil the fun for everyone. This year, 23 year old Manhattan resident Stacey Fueller was the culprit. At about 1:45pm, Miss Fueller was found by police engaged in one of the most explicitly vulgar activities the holiday had ever been a part of, an act so heinous that society could forever be changed: Miss Fueller was found absolutely sober in the afternoon of St. Patrick’s Day.
I have to admit, I am not a regular strip club visitor. If I think back really hard, I may need both hands to count out the amount of times I’ve found myself in one. What I do have is the experience of a wide spectrum of “gentlemen’s clubs”. Full nudity shack where you have to bring your own alcohol and the girls strangle guys who get too close to their cootch? Thank you, fraternity rush week. Place where everyone is Russian and they play techno or 80s pop? Check. Skeevy dive that I had to drag out to guests from a house party because I got a call from the bouncer? Of course.
Las Vegas, NV: In an effort to lock up more of the elite fighters in the sport of mixed martial arts(MMA), Dana White and company haved officially purchased Showtime’s Strikeforce, a non-pay-per-view fight night that, unlike Affliction, undercut UFC viewers on nights that both companies had a fight card.