Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. This is the last week of regular picks, but don’t worry. We’ll be picking everything from playoff games to the Pro Bowl, and maybe even some draft picks(thanks, Steve.)
Bronx, NY: The free agent market in Major League Baseball was thrown a curveball yesterday, as starting pitcher Carl Pavano was set to ink a 7 year, $115 million contract with the New York Yankees, until Pavano injured his wrist while trying to sign his name to the paperwork.
New York, NY: In a strange twist in what is already a strange set of circumstances, N. Y. Jets coach Rex Ryan insists that he and his wife do not have a foot fetish. Ryan, in consultation with Dr. Phil, has concluded that he and his wife have a “foot fattish”. This is a slight modification on what is typically known as a foot fetish. In this new type of obsession the common foot fetish is combined with the less common (in women) fat fetish combining two irresistible fetishes in one.
Wasilla, AK: Christmas may need to be postponed this year, as reports from the North Pole are claiming that Santa Claus’ sleigh was allegedly shot down early this morning by Sarah Palin. In a near-dawn hunting excursion in the northern part of her native Alaska, Mrs. Palin caught sight of eight reindeer in the sky, with a large cargo being towed behind them. Sensing that flying caribou could be a fantastic trophy to hang above her fireplace mantel, Sarah took 10 shots from her rifle. 7 of those shots were killshots, 1 missed, and two took down one of the reindeer.
Orlando, FL: Each year, millions of families travel to sunny Orlando, the theme park capital of the Eastern U.S. It’s the home of Disney World and Universal Studios—two parks renowned for fun, family vacations. However, some parents don’t come to Orlando so their children can have tea in Cinderella’s castle, get sick on the Tea Cups, or pee their pants on Jaws the Ride. Instead, they come for a more wholesome family vacation.
Washington, DC: The safety of internets everywhere is set to be decided today, as the Federal Communications Commission of the United States will be voting on the latest bill regarding net neutrality. For years there has been a fear that internet providers, from dial-up servers to mobile carriers, would use censorship tactics in order to stifle information that they did not agree with, bar competition from their bandwidth, and, most importantly, get rid of our porn.
Just in time for the holiday season, when everyone on the globe bulks up in order to make “dieting” their New Year’s resolution, another high-profile weight scandal has come to light in the city of New York. Jenifer ringer, the Sugar Plum Fairy for the Broadway production of The Nutcracker, has meat.
Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. After the raping and pillaging of our picks last week, our pseduo-professional sports analysts are out with a vengeance.