Recent Articles
Horrible Horoscopes: 8-23-2010
Moonbeam Crenshaw continues his quest to run the world’s future with his horrible horoscopes. Week of August 23, 2010.
Lady Gaga is the Newest Twitter Queen
Internetland: Britney Spears’ musings were once the most followed on Twitter. With an estimated 5,674,443 followers, Spears was, until recently, the unabashed queen of useless internet ramblings. That appears to have changed over the weekend, however.
Lady Gaga, formerly known as Steve Johnson, has dethroned Ms. Spears in a hard-fought battle to acquire the attention of millions of people with nothing better to do than read the inane thoughts and actions of celebrities (in 140 characters or less).
GOP Blasts Obama Over Vacation
This week, the First Family begins a 10-day-long vacation in the swanky environs of Martha’s Vineyard, a favorite hangout for those who cannot afford a beach house on the Jersey Shore. Unfortunately for President Obama, his peers in Congress are not amused.
“It is just disgraceful how the President feels comfortable being off work when so many Americans are unemployed,” raged Congressional spray tan expert John Boehner (R-OH). “He needs to be at the White House, sending us economy-saving bills so we can shoot them down and accuse him of doing nothing.” Boehner, who was speaking from a seaside villa in Florida (the non-Gulf side), is currently enjoying Congress’ month-long summer break.
Ground Zero Donut Shop Enters Debate
New York, NY: With the public release of plans to turn the decrepit building of the Burlington Coat Factory into an Islamic Cultural Center/Mosque, American tensions have run high. The issue has to do with the proximity of the mosque in relation to the site of Ground Zero, where the World Trade Center fell due to terrorist activity and/or Hulk Hogan, depending upon who you ask.
David Fincher Set to Remake The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for Disney
In an about face from many of his previous efforts, director David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) has signed on to remake the recent Norwegian hit The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo based on the book of the same name. The about face stems from Fincher teaming up with Disney to create a kinder, gentler heroine.
Who’s Next for K-Rod?
After allegedy punching out his father-in-law, New York Mets closer Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez has apparently gone on a fighting streak the likes of Russell Crowe.
His latest victim: UFC legend Chuck Liddell!
Awkward Romantic Nerd Finds Awkward Romantic Nerd Movies Misleading
New York, NY: Trevor Sunderman has never been what one would call “a ladies man.” He’s 25 years old and lives in his parents’ basement. He reads Batman graphic novels and watches horror movies. He plays World of Warcraft when not working at his freelance job as a graphic designer. He listens to Modest Mouse. All of this tese characteristics sound prime for an awkward romantic nerd movie, except that Trevor is still a virgin.
So when Mr. Sunderman learned that Michael Cera would, once again, be starring in a romantic nerd-comedy, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, he became extremely annoyed.
Dog Saves Owner, Charged for Malpractice
Rockford, MI: A diabetic Michigan man with a love of liquor owes his life to his furry, four-legged friend.
This past weekend, William “Bubba” Jones got snockered at a party celebrating his wife Juanita’s newly awarded U.S. citizenship. After one too many moonshine margaritas, Jones passed out in his favorite La-Z-Boy, only to wake up a couple hours later to find Kiko, his Jack Russell Terrier, licking his foot. Or—rather—what was left of his foot.
New Blackberry to Feature Unorthodox Tech
Ontario, CANADA: At long last, the wait is over. After what seemed like years of techno-gossip, media leaks, and stock-trading roller-coasters, Research In Motion, the company behind Blackberry smartphones, has released semi-offical data about a new age of portable technology, starting with the Blackberry Slider, aka Blackberry 9800 bold, aka Blackberry Torch, aka Blackberry Loki(title/titles still pending).
Fears of Blackberry being phased out to make room for the influx of iPhone and Android users was finally stifled, as RIM representative Nigel Greene unveiled the latest Blackberry smart phone, slated for release in September.
Steven Tyler to Write Tell-All Memoirs
Los Angeles, CA: For decades, rock god Steven Tyler has been known as the large-mouth bass that fronts the rock band Aerosmith. His newest career choice will take him down a different path, as he trades in a microphone for a feather pen in writing a tell-all memoir of his time with the band.
“I spent a lot of time lying in bed recently,” said Tyler, who broke his hip after a fall at a concert at a nursing home in Sturgis, South Dakota in 2009. “It occurred to me that I had two options in how I spent my time: either I could catch up on episodes of the Gilmore Girls, or I could write a book. And since my grandson wasn’t around to program the DVD player, I went with the book.”
