Memphis, TN: Frayser High School has finally, after years of competing with Elvis Presley’s Graceland, become well-known as a tourist attraction. Unfortunately, its claim to fame is not for academics, sports, or famous alumni. Instead, it is known as the school where 90 of its students, most of them female, are either pregnant or have given birth within the past year. This number is staggering, according to experts, considering that the school only contains 800 students.
Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! It’s the Conference Championships! The winners go to the Super Bowl! The losers go to the Pro Bowl! Tom Brady will finally fix his foot that has been ailing him since 2001! This is football!
Tucson, AZ: Chivalry may be dead, but that doesn’t stop some women from reciprocating with their own form of chivalry, even if that means fighting through an induced coma and morphine drip. During the tragic shooting in front of a local Tucson supermarket in which six people, including a federal judge and a 9-year-old girl, were killed and 13 others wounded, congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was struck in the head by one of the bullets. She was rushed to the hospital and has been in the ICU ever since. Fortunately, things are improving, so much so that she has reacclimated herself to wifely duties for her husband, Captain Mark Kelly. At the moment, sources say this is limited to back rubs.
Flushing Meadows, NY: Jets fans, not generally known for their intellect, have been issued a stern warning from the Surgeon General of the United States, Regina Benjamin. This was in the wake of several fatalities following the unlikely Jets victory against the Patriots. In one such fatality a fan decided to sled into oncoming traffic. This proved to be problematic as the sled’s imaginary air bag never deployed, nor did its antilock blades. Overtaxed city workers are still cleaning up this mess.
Living in Iowa, there are few forms of entertainment that are sufficient for an ex-art school student. Food is a major activity in the area as we have some of the best beef and pork in the world. Unfortunately, this also leads to unwanted and unsightly weight-gain. Movies are one of my passions, but I have been cursed with odd taste. I can’t just wander into a Best Buy and expect to find any DVD that would blow my skirt up. No – I need to venture into murkier waters such as Barnes & Noble, or if that fails, Amazon.com to locate the few shining examples that I deem “movies that don’t suck”.
As the year 2011 becomes a reality for all of us (apart from the USA which insists on 1120, for still unexplained reason- what is it with you guys and your crazy dating scheme), I don’t mind telling you that I’m worried. That’s because I’m a European and I’m innocent of all crimes committed on American shores.
Seattle, WA: Pete Carroll has heard many things this year as the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks: how his college coaching style won’t work; how Matt Hasselbeck is finally showing his age in play as well as lack of hair; how players on the opposite team won’t hug their old coach; how the Seahawks had no chance of making the playoffs, which led into how the Seahawks had no chance of beating the New Orleans Saints in the playoffs. Now, Pete Carroll has some choice words for everyone else to hear. “This is destiny. My dream to make it through to the end with my team this season has now become reality,” stated Carroll. “We’re going to the promised land, baby!”