Florida Police Thwart Brutally Adorable Puppy Attack
Miami, FL: Last week, Florida police reacted quickly to prevent a violent incident by subduing a14-year old boy and his baby pit bull. The confrontation occurred during the afternoon on…
Mayor Bloomberg Receives Meat, Cigarettes in Mail
New York, NY: Last week, two anonymous letters containing very angry words and trace amounts of ricin were intercepted by mail workers. The mail was on its may to local…
Buzzfeed Editor Pitches List of the Best Lists of the Best Lists on the Internet
New York, NY: In a private staff meeting, Buzzfeed Deputy List editor Patrick McLanahan pitched the idea of Buzzfeed creating a list of “best lists of the best lists on…
Senate Passes “No Soup for You” Bill
Washington, DC: This past week, the Senate passed a bill making those convicted of violent crimes ineligible from receiving food stamps. The bill was sponsored by Republican Senator and DC…
Gun Nuts Attempt to Ruin 3D Printers for Everyone
Austin, TX: As common knowledge of 3D printer capabilities continues to grow, a bunch of dicks from Texas decided that the best way to let people know more about them…
President Obama Comes Out of Conservative Closet
Washington, DC: This past week, President Obama unveiled his plan to cater to groups heretofore underrepresented in his administration, specifically radical conservatives, conspiracy theorists, and Dick Cheney enthusiasts. Throughout his…
TIME Magazine Demands 20-Somethings “Get Off (Their) Lawn”
New York, NY: Upon noticing an increasing number of young people on or near the designated lawn area of Time magazine’s offices, the staff issued a statement declaring that all…
New Benghazi Report Offers Shocking Plot Twists and Holes
Washington, DC: Recently leaked government emails have revealed some astonishing new details about the attack on the US Consulate in the Libyan city of Benghazi. Members of both parties have…
Facebook Phone Fails, Other Social Media Phones Abandoned
Menlo Park, CA: After the recent devaluation of the HTC First, commonly known as “The Facebook Phone,” to 99¢, other popular social media sites are shutting down their own plans…
Hummus Becomes No. 1 Public Health Concern
Atlanta, Georgia: The Centers for Disease Control have announced a new issue on the top of the day-to-day public health agenda: the American hummus addiction. Last week, the Wall Street…