New York, NY: Last week, two anonymous letters containing very angry words and trace amounts of ricin were intercepted by mail workers. The mail was on its may to local health snob and mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, and his gun-control lobby group in Washington D.C.
While the letters were supposedly postmarked in Shreveport, Louisiana, this does little to determine who the actual perpetrator is. The letters were allegedly written and sent by at least 75% of the population south of the Mason-Dixon line and 36% of the population north of it, due to the issues of gun control.
“I’m not saying I did it, but if I did, some random town in the South would just make sense for a letter like this to come from,” stated local NRA member Chet Humphries. “Texas would have made more sense, but letters from there probably don’t even make it onto the USPS plane to DC or New York.”
This ricin scare has incited other groups to act in an attempt to force Mayor Bloomberg to desist many of his political agendas, gun control being the least of their concerns.
Earlier this week, letters containing bacon bits and beef jerky, along with angry messages about food restrictions, were intercepted as they made their way to the offices of Mayor Bloomberg. Mail workers were treated for high salt ingestion, but nothing more.
There have also been multiple incidents where pro-tobacco letters laden with chewing tobacco, cigarettes, and pictures of Joe Camel failed to make their way to Mayor Bloomberg. Another piece of mail seemed to have been submersed in cola before being dropped off at the post office, tainting the rest of the mail in the process. One large package, containing only a lawn chair and the message “Take this back” with the return address as only “Times Square”, barely made it into the mail room before a local NY bomb squad was called in.
While these attempts could have scared a lesser man, Bloomberg appeared unfazed as he took the subway back to his offices the next day. However, a radius of two subway cars were cleared for the mayor’s ride instead of the normal one.