Carolyn Cole/Los Angeles Times
Carolyn Cole/Los Angeles Times

Houston, TX— Today British Petroleum spokesman Gerald McSlick announced the results of a two-year study that proves oil spills may actually be good for the environment.  The announcement comes after the recent expiration of a ban on BP applying for government contracts and may be the only way for the company to stay competitive.  That is, other than adhering to basic safety standards.

The study assessed the impact of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill on the Louisiana coastline by extensively testing at least two different sites using the latest in Q-tip technology.  The readings were compared to historical information gathered from BP’s Environmental Impact department, which consists of two undergraduate interns, an excel spreadsheet, and a Coke machine.  The study employed analytic technology based on the same blowout prevention machinery employed on Deepwater and, after some initial technical glitches that involved the Coke machine bursting and leaking soda into the neighboring offices, the results proved very positive.

According to the report, the oil spill had what is referred to as the “Spiderman effect” on local wildlife.  The oil actually resulted in mutations that made species even better adapted to their environment.  Some adaptations include pelicans capable of supersonic flight and dolphins with laser vision.  Reports from Louisiana shrimp fisherman confirm that it has been difficult lately to catch shrimp, which may indicate some form of crustacean intangibility form or biological teleportation abilities that can be used to pass safely through nets.

The report also suggests that the oil spill may have made seafood in the Gulf region more nutritious.  It refers to previous studies published in the 1941 issue of the now-defunct Journal of Tobacco and Nutrition which concluded that ingesting small amounts of petroleum products resulted in “significantly increased levels of pep,” particularly when paired with “the sweet taste of Marlboro brand cigarettes.”  The report points to the example of the city of Los Angeles, where the tap water is more than 50% gasoline and whose population is extremely successful, intelligent and well-rounded.

These findings have led BP officials to begin investigating whether the government may owe the company remunerations for the positive effects of the spill on the environment.  The company basically gifted away five million barrels of oil and didn’t receive a dime in return.

Environmentalists have spoken out against the report, calling on the government to conduct its own study.  BP claims that any study run by the government would be a conflict of interest due to the government’s inherent concern for its constituency.  The company suggests this sort of study is much better undertaken by an entity with no regard for human welfare.