It’s 2012 already, and the big topic in the UK is the forthcoming Olympic Games. Britain won the right to host the event by being the only country stupid enough to apply for it in the middle of a global economic meltdown, and already the games are running massively over budget, mainly due to the fact that the Government Minister in charge of the event somehow forgot to factor our 20% sales tax into the equation. Add the fact that somebody somewhere suggested it might be something of a security threat, what with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the fact we’ve just really pissed off the Iranians, so an extra Godknowshowmany million pounds has just been added for extra armed Police to join in the fun.
It’s just what the little country needs, what with constantly increasing unemployment, government spending cuts for the armed forces, hospitals, schools, transport infrastructure and even the BBC. A summer of rioting in the streets also did nothing to help small businesses, as many were firebombed out of existence, and those which are left face huge hikes in insurance bills, wiping out future profits in a single swoop.
So it’s all looking good for a summer of world class entertainment, if you think people running in circles and jumping over sticks is entertainment. Which 95% of the British population don’t. Because it just isn’t.
But what of the events? Surely Britain has to put on a great show and actually try and win medals for something other than cycling. The Inept Owl can now bring you an exclusive peek at some of the special events, tailored to at least try and make the UK look good from all of this.
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The 20 Meter Grab And Lift: Following on from the riots, this event will take place in the Westfield Shopping Centre, that has just been constructed close to the London Stadia especially for the Olympics. It involves running 10 meters up to a shop window, chucking a traffic bollard through the window, and running 10 meters to a waiting car with a 42 inch 3d television set under the athlete’s arm.
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The Atlantic Rubbish Disposal Event: The UK chooses a handful of its most hated celebrities, and somehow, ships them over to the USA, where they will generally be given their own TV show, and be paid more than any other tv personality on the face of the planet. Previous examples of this are Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, Russell Brand, that twat from House, Ricky Gervais and Victoria Beckham. And Sarah Ferguson, Tony Blair, Coldplay, Anne Robinson, The Teletubbies and that twat from House. (Yeah, I know I already mentioned him, but man, that ‘Blues’ album he released is such a huge bag of pants that he deserves to be in this list twice). Contenders for this year’s event are : Dappy from NDubz, and that’s it. If the UK can just get rid of him, they’ll count that as a massive success.
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The Para-Olympic Event: The contestants will be forced to drink a half bottle of vodka, six large martinis, a gallon of assorted beers and lagers, finished off with flaming Sambucas and Jaeger Bombs, after which they will have to walk back to the Olympic Village. Extra points will be awarded for vomiting, swearing at Police and ending up in ER with a serious head wound.
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The “How Much? You Call This Food?” Event: The contestants will be set loose on London’s busiest shopping street, Oxford Street, and buy what appears from a distance to be some sort of burger. Points will go to anyone who can achieve this for less than $20, and find something that wouldn’t leave a sparrow still half starved to death.
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The “Get A Commuter To Speak” Event: The athletes will board a London Underground train during rush hour, and by any means possible, they have to try to get one of the Commuters to actually acknowledge their existence. Shouting, swearing, hair-pulling, and knife attacks are all allowed and in fact actively encouraged, not that it will make a blind bit of difference. These are professional bastards that the athletes will be up against and so this is thought to be the toughest of all events on the schedule.
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So there we have it, a fun-filled summer awaits anyone with the foresight to lock themselves in at home and not come out until it’s all over, by which point the UK will be officially bankrupt and on sale to the highest bidder.
This reporter, at least, will be staying in and watching the Formula One Grand Prix on TV instead..oh hang on, the BBC just sold that TV coverage to Rupert bloody Murdoch as the government needed the cash to spend on the Olympics instead. Don’t you just hate it when a plan comes together?