Halloween is usually a time associated with fear, horror, and death. The leaves are changing. The plants are dying. Birds are headed to warmer clients. School is in full swing. For horror fans, it’s like Christmas, except when Christmas has a blood-splattered Santa Claus wielding an axe.
But there is another side to Halloween. Since it is a time for us to act like someone else, some of us decide to portray our heroes, or anti-heroes, in the best way possible. Sometimes that way is with a ridiculously bad-taste costume.
This year, we’re being pro-active in our approach to Halloween by telling you all what the top costumes of the season will be for the apathetic and sarcastic on a budget. At least, these are the costumes we hope to see.
1) Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus Combo Costume
I don’t claim to be the first person to have the idea of portraying Robin Thicke in his Beetlejuice suit or Miley Cyrus twerking in her nude-suit. If you look up either of those costumes, you’ll see that costume stores already have legitimate costumes made in China exclusively for couples that want to engage in PDA while not looking like horny attention-mongers.
But what if you’re a swinging single guy? It’ll be pretty hard to find someone at a costume party that would be your “not exactly naked” counter-part (if it happens, let me know).
Well, you’re in luck. The “Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke VMA Twerking in the Butt” combo costume is cheap, easy, and hilariously in bad taste.
1 Beetlejuice costume (okay, it’s not exactly pennies, but just think: you’ll be set for when Beeletjuice 2 comes out)
1 Black button-down shirt (I’m sure you have at least one)
1 Pair of Black Shoes (Again, this should be a household item)
1 Pair of aviator-like sunglasses
1 Inflatable Sex Doll (Shouldn’t be one of those sex dolls with a porn star’s face printed on it. Unless it’s Miley Cyrus’s face. If you think you’ll have use for it after the fact, spend away)
1 fake tongue, or red construction paper tongue
1 roll of duct tape
1 bunch of rope or string
Put on the Beetlejuice clothes.
Next, blow up your sex doll, but not all the way. Leave some play in the doll so that you can bend the doll over and tie it in place like a bad version of S&M. The head should be tied back, too, in order to fully enact this insane moment in time. You want other party-goers to see the tongue, or else you’ll just look like a skeevy disco dancer with a sex doll, aka Robin Thicke.
Then attach the tongue to the face of the doll, unless you scored one of those old-school sex dolls with the open mouth. Then you’re set.
Finally (to be done when you have arrived at your destination), add a double-sided area of duct-tape to your crotch area, attach the sex doll to the crotch point via ass point, and voila: you have a combo costume that is sure to attract absolutely no women but plenty of laughs.
Then again, some women can be kinky.
2) “INSERT YOUR NAME HERE” Shutdown
There are lazy costumes, there are costumes based on laziness, and then there are lazy costumes based on laziness. Thanks to the recent government shutdown, we have found the perfect lazy costume based on laziness that will absolutely win every costume contest filled with Congressmembers: “YOU” Shutdown.
1 white t-shirt
1 black magic marker, paint marker, or can of spray paint
Take your white T-shirt and write or spray “SHUTDOWN” on the front. Do NOT put it on the back, because that’s not lazy enough.
Next, let the ink or paint dry.
Finally, put on your shirt. Now you are officially shutdown and are free to sit around all night drinking and not partaking in life because, like the government was, you are officially shutdown. The shirt says it all.
3) Genius Meth Cooker
Breaking Bad may be over, but pop culture references to the series has only just begun. Why not celebrate the series by dressing up as a chemistry genius-turned meth amphetamine cooker?
And the best part is, you don’t have to dress up as Walter White for it to work. It’s the new version of Wednesday Adams saying that she’s dressed up as “a serial killer. They look like everyone else.”
1 You, dressed. Well, technically you don’t have to be dressed, but it’ll make things a little easier.
Be you. That’s it. Wear your normal clothes. Maybe nerd it up a bit by wearing a button-down shirt buttoned up to the collar and slacks. Get some wire-rimmed glasses if you want, but be you. If anyone asks who you are, you can get away with just repeating, “Say my name.” Eventually someone will get it.
Everyone loves artists, so why not dress up as everyone’s favorite anonymous activism artist, Bansky?
Who knows, maybe you can pull off actually being Banksy if you’re in New York?
1 Can of spray paint
Walk around with your can of spray paint and try to pull off a British accent. Or, don’t try to pull off a British accent. It is Banksy, after all, so who knows what he really sounds like? I don’t trust interviews.
5) Cleveland Browns Starting Quarterback
Did you hear about the Cleveland Browns fan that put an ad up on Craigslist for a quarterback for his long-suffering team? Well, now YOU can be the mysterious, next quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. And it’ll barely cost you anything, except for some self esteem for having a Browns jersey delivered to your home.
1 Browns jersey (clearance jerseys can be found for at most $40)
1 roll duct-tape
Duct-tape over whatever name is on the back of your jersey. (Unless you splurged and actually bought a Browns jersey with your name on the back. If that’s the case, wellplayed. A little pricier, but well played.)
All that is left to do is put the jersey on, and when anyone asks you who you are, say “The new starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns.” Who knows, maybe, if you’re at the right party, it’ll come true.
6) George Zimmerman
Nothing can rile up a party like starting a gun control debate by dressing up as everyone’s favorite civilian shooter, George Zimmerman! Who knows, maybe you’ll get a chance to state, “I’m standing my ground” before taking a shot of pumpkin whisky.
1 Fake gun. Or real, if you want to be a dick about it.
1 Orange fleece jacket, to show how you’re definitely not the police.
Simply walk around and harass other people. If someone gets hostile, mere yell, “I’m standing my ground!” and watch everyone drop to the ground. Many laughs will be had by all. Well, maybe just you.
7) George Clooney
Think George Clooney is everywhere you look? Well, now you can take the George Clooney plague to a whole other level by being George Clooney for Halloween!
1 Printed George Clooney mask
1 length of string
You can save and print the mask above. The resolution may be pretty bad, but who cares? Anything the George Clooney name touches is supposed to turn into gold, so why should crummy paper masks be left out?
Next, cut out the mask, eye-holes. The powers of George Clooney do not create wearable masks with only the mind. Even George Clooney knows that he needs to direct and produce to get his movies done.
Finally, poke holes on either side of the mask, loop some string, and you’re done!
You are now George Clooney. This can work great as a quick group costume as well. Army of George Clooney’s? Pretty damn scary to me.