Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson.


Name: Dr. Ben Carson

Nickname: It’s Not Brain Surgery

Political Affiliation: Republican Party

Status: Whatever The Lord thinks of his campaign

Known For: Performing Brain Surgery, possibly on himself, Trying his best to imitate Morgan Freeman’s voice during debates

Likes: Religion, Destiny, Belt Buckles, Flat Tax, Being Woken Up During Debates

Dislikes: Evolution, Non-Religious History, Using the word “Highfalutin” to shame scientists as pompous or pretentious

Public Outlook: It seems that the only people who think Dr. Ben Carson is still running for president are Carson himself (although that is speculative), Creationists, and the Lord Jesus. Unfortunately, only two out of those three are able to vote.

Pros: All foreign policy statutes will be explained by biblical references. Also, there will be no worry that Dr. Carson will cut into people’s brains while in office.

Cons: Separation between church and state will be replaced by hourly prayer services so that legislation and tax refunds take even longer to go through the bureaucratic channels.

Quote: “I’m very happy to get a question this early on. I was going to ask you to wake me up when the time came.”

Check out all of the 2016 presidential candidates by clicking here.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.