Baltimore, MD— In a recent study on the study of how the gender of a hurricane’s name affects the public’s fear of the storm, researchers at the University of Maryland have come to the conclusion that most researchers have barely interacted with a woman besides their own mothers.
The initial study, released by a team of researchers at the University of Illinois, hypothesized that people are more inclined to prepare themselves for a hurricane named Christopher than a hurricane named Christina. Names that are not gender specific like Kris were not included in the study. This idea claimed support from years of death tolls and how the number of casualties seemed to grow when a hurricane was given a female name.
This claim was supported by evidence by New Jersey shore resident Jimmy Malisi. “I saw the weather was getting bad, so I tried to turn on the TV to find out what the hurricane’s name was,” explained Malisi. “Unfortunately the power was out, so a wandered up and down my street, dodging tree branches, house siding, and cars until some guy yelled, ‘Hey dumbass! Get inside! Hurricane Sandy is coming!’ Well, I’m not one to run away from a woman, so I just kept on walking until I got hit in the head by a boat that somehow got blown up the street. Never saw it coming.”
The study of this study, led by Professor Charles Ulrich, has found that the previous results have no merit due to its assumption that most people find the female gender to be “gentle” and “docile.”
“Gender comparisons really have to deal with one’s exposure to a specific gender,” stated Prof. Ulrich in a phone interview where his wife Marla Ulrich and the sounds of porcelain could be heard in the background. “Are females really less violent than men? That remains to be… Marla, for God’s sake, but the meat tenderizer away! As I was saying…”
Prof. Ulrich and his team set out to understand how the initial hurricane study could have held such a gender bias. Through only a few hours of study, it was learned that most of the initial researchers barely had any interaction with the opposite sex. Most interactions were with their parents, other close relatives, and nursery rhymes describing little girls as sugar and spice and little boys as unholy little monsters.
“If you haven’t seen a woman rage after someone leaves the toilet seat up, than you can’t use gender comparisons on anything because, seriously, you’ll wish you were in the middle of a hurricane,” explained Prof. Ulrich.