Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA: The highly possible, thought to have already happened and covered up by the use of body-doubles, has supposedly happened: North Korean dictator/rap artist/movie director/aviator trend-setter Kim Jong-il has passed away.
The official reports state that Kim suffered a heart attack while riding a train on Dec. 17, and died of complications. However, many are under the suspicion that the East Coast VS West Coast cold war that escalated this past decade may have led to the demise. The news came as suddenly as any other seemingly doctored news that comes out of North Korea, as media reports from the country are alluding to the possibility that the rap feud between the United States and North Korea had something to do with “Dear Leader’s” death.
“The United States has always been jealous of Dear Leader’s intelligence, support of the people, and his ability to bust out rhymes,” stated one North Korean anchorwoman amid tears. “Why do these suckers have to hate on us?”
There has been speculation about the secondary cause of Kim Jong-il’s death, namely how the report was seemingly lifted from an article about the death of Tupac Shakur:
Kim Jong-il, a rapper and supreme ruler who built a career on controversy, died of wounds yesterday from a drive-by train-shooting last Saturday. He was 69 years old.
Dear Leader, who lived in <location undisclosed>, had been in critical condition at University Medical Center in Las Vegas since Saturday. That night as he was leaving the Kun Pei-Hua Jung prizefight, a Cadillac pulled up alongside the luxury train-car in which he was riding and he was shot four times. His right lung was removed on Sunday. No executions have been made.
Kim Jong-il was a complex and sometimes contradictory figure, with a career featuring million-selling albums(all in North Korea, except for a few western purchases for irony), weapons programs, and run-ins with western nations. He was an intelligent, vivid writer who had studied acting at the Kim Il Sung School of Performing Arts in Pyongyang; he was an accomplished rapper with a husky baritone and crisp enunciation. He was also an alleged mad dictator, and the words ”Thug Life” and ”Outlaw” were tattooed on his body.
Even as the nation of North Korea mourns, it has been stated that Kim Jong-il still had a large library of previously unreleased tracks, which would slowly be released to the public over the next 20 years or so.