Pope’s UK Visit: Exclusive Fight

Das Pope arrived in the UK this week, amid feelings of high anticipation that he may at last put paid* to the overwhelming amount of sexual scandals and media innuendos surrounding his Church.

Landing at an airport somewhere, and wearing what appeared to be a long white dress, he majestically descended the steps from the Pontifical Plane, knelt face to the ground, and asked if anyone wished to kiss his ring. Someone then mentioned the word ‘Cassocks’ and the whole thing descended into farce.

But important questions remain. Like: Who would win in a fight ? The Pope or B.A. Baracus ?

   The facts are simple:

• Baracus’s real name is Mr. T.
• The Pope’s real name is Bernard Rap-Singer, That’s B.R., and that’s nearly the same as B.A.
• B.A. Baracus wears sixteen tons of gold around his neck and another four hundred kilos around each wrist, thats a value of around $2000.
• The Pope has a HUGE house right in the middle of Rome,where property prices are the highest in the world, and he can live there until he dies, which is never, cos he’s The Pope. And a blingin’ new Mercedes Pope-Mobile, innit.
• Baracus ain’t gettin on no plane wit no crazy fool !
• Big Bern gets on all sorts of planes with all sorts of people that I wouldn’t trust alone with children, frankly.
• B.A. Baracus is the new face of Snickers here in the UK.
• The Pope gets a hefty commission on every single communion wafer sold in the universe, forever. That makes him more powerful than Darth Vader.
• B.A. Baracus couldn’t kill anyone if he tried: absolutely lousy shot. All those bullets he used to fire at the Baddies, and not one of them hit, not a single bloody one.
• The Pope only has to condemn condoms as a mortal sin and suddenly hundreds of thousands of poeple die right across the world.
• B.A  Baracus can’t live a normal life. He’s on the run, hiding from a crime he didn’t commit.
• The Pope can just tell the Belgian Police or anyone else to fuck right off.
• B.A. Baracus has a groovy haircut.
• The Pope has a collection of ridiculous hats.

The facts speak for themselves. It’s a slam dunk and Baracus gets it on the hats.

So as Bernard leaves our shores, it’s a big “Shut up fool”  from England as he Papally glides towards Scotland, where he’s appearing at the Edingburgh Comedy Festival in a one Pope show called “Zip it or You’ll Go to Hell”. Tickets still widely available. Under twelves get in free.

*Editor’s Note: I don’t know if this is bad grammar or not. I think it’s cockney rhyming slang, or just British.