Very soon, the country in which I live will temporarily change its name. For a period of around two weeks, starting on June 11th, it will be illegal for any native citizens to refer to it as ‘England’. This is because The FIFA World Cup kicks off in South Africa on June 11th, and it’s the Daddy of all football (soccer)
tournaments.
The correct pronunciation for the duration of the contest is “In – Gerr -Lernd”, with the “Lernd” split into two syllables, with the pitch of the second syllable dropped by a tone and a half. The whole word should also take at least a second and a half to say, with a slight fade at the end.
The game of football, (ok ok, I’ll call it Soccer), was invented sometime before the 1970’s, when a Scottish Highlander lost his Haggis over Hadrian’s Wall while teaching it to fetch sticks. Luckily, a cheeky, chirpy, English chimney sweep happened to be passing by on the other side. He kicked the clearly confused Haggis back over the wall, and Football was born.
Ever since that day, football (SOCCER, YES I Know !!), has been an integral part of the UK’s history and culture, even using the ‘Beautiful Game’ to defeat Adolph Hitler in 1966, and again in the 1980’s with that film starring Sylvester Stallone and some footballers.
The rules of the modern English, (sorry, In-Ger-Lish,) game are quite simple: a bunch of Hairdressers and highly paid Wife-Beaters get together in a field, and when one of them kicks a ball at some sticks, they all stop and have sex with each other. There is also another man on the field, who dresses in black and has to blow a whistle when the Hairdressers and Wife Beaters need to stop having sex with each other. Two other similarly black-clad men run up and down the side of the field, waving flags to stop aircraft landing on the Hairdressers and Wife Beaters while they’re having sex with each other.
As well as all that sex on the pitch, some players are then also ‘pulled off at half-time’, which just goes to show what a testosterone-filled sport this really is.
So, here are some guidelines for any foreign travelers who find themselves in In-Ger-Lernd during the contest, and don’t want to fall foul of the temporary 
Patriot Laws which are enforced for the duration.
1: Hair must be shaved to a maximum length of one and a half millimeters, and that’s just the Women.
2: Only Red or White shirts may be worn at any time , except if In-Ger-Lernd are playing Germany..then it’s also illegal to wear a white shirt.
3: All citizens must meet the minimum alcohol requirements at all times, and may be subject to random breath-testing. As a guideline, four or five pints of lager for breakfast, then a minimum of four pints per hour thereafter should be enough to keep the Rozzers off your back.
4: Any time a ‘White-Van Man’ drives past, you are obliged to raise both hands in the air and shout “In-Ger-Lernd” while pulling a moonie.
5: Don’t be German.
So enjoy the tournament, and just so you know who to look out for, In-Ger-Lernd will be the team getting knocked out of the semi-finals by the Germans on a penalty shoot-out.