In a time where the governments and the general public are hot on the heels of the banking corporations, trying to instill more transparency into their dealings, it seems one ATM machine manufacturer has other ideas.
Some bright spark in the marketing department of ATM suppliers, ‘Bank Machine,’ has hit upon the concept of offering Cockney Rhyming Slang as the
language of choice for its users.
Cockney Rhyming Slang is a form of coded language from the East End of London, originally constructed to allow its users to talk openly without arousing the suspicions of the Law, or any other outsiders.
Words are replaced with short rhymes, which are then cut down to make the original meaning obscure or even totally incomprehensible.
As an example, instead of saying “I’m going to have a look,” your standard cheeky chirpy Cockney Ragamuffin will say “I’m having a Butchers.” This comes from replacing the word ‘look’ with the term ‘Butchers Hook,’ which is then shortened to the single word ‘Butchers.’
Similarly, the word ‘feet’ is replaced with the word ‘plates,’ which is derived from the term ‘plates of meat.’ Hence the term, “Gawd Blimey, my plates are killing me.”
With advertising and marketing companies forced by the recession to drastically reduce their cocaine budgets over the last year, it is unclear quite how this idea got past the powers that be. In fact, an insider at the company told me he thought the person who dreamt up this was a ‘total elephant’ and that he deserved nothing short of a poke up the ‘Gary.’
Luckily, this reporter has family connections with London’s East End, and can reveal that the term ‘Elephant’ is derived from the place name ‘Elephant and Castle,’ which rhymes (when adjusted for variations in accent) with ‘Asshole.’
The term ‘Gary’ relates to disgraced British 70’s pop star ‘Gary Glitter.’
Apparently the company is also working on a similar language facility for teenagers, where every request and instruction will be followed by the word ‘Innit.’ The customer will then be asked how much money they wish to withdraw, and will be given the option to answer with the word ‘Whatever.’
We asked world famous Cockney impersonator Dick Van Dyke for a comment on the whole issue, but we just couldn’t understand a bloody word he said.