Washington, DC: Former Vice President Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, an outspoken opponent of the Obama administration, has stepped forward and announced that waterboarding is an essential tool for fighting terrorism. He also insisted that the Central Intelligence Agency never tortured anyone and kept the United 
States safe from further terrorist attacks. President Obama disagrees and has banned the practice of waterboarding, an interrogation technique he calls “cruel and unnecessary.”
“Of course he said that,” countered Cheney. “He’s a freaking liberal. Next thing you know, he’ll try banning the removal of fingernails with pliers, or electrocution by cattle prod, which, I’ll have you know, is quite effective when attached to the testes. It sure as hell worked on my son-in-law.”
When asked if he would consider the banning of any torture technique, Cheney responded with a firm, “No.”
“How are you supposed to get information out of these damn terrorists if you aren’t removing body parts or electrocuting them? You think they’re just going to say, ‘Hey, I’m Ahmad and I like blowing things up?’ No, you got to entice them somehow.”
“I say, if the terrorists give you a hard time, why not just torture their kids? They’re just going to grow up to be terrorists anyway. We’ll see how much Ahmad likes watching his little Jojo the Terrorist Boy being tortured. Oh, he’ll answer our questions for sure,” Cheney continued.
Mr. Cheney was immediately whisked away by his handlers after the last statement and could not be reached for comment. His spokesperson categorically denied that Mr. Cheney uttered such statements, even though dozens of witnesses can attest to this.
“They’re imagining it,” said the spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a vast democratic conspiracy to beseech, no, besmirch my client.”