Category: Barely News
Tebow to Copyright Jesus
Florham Park, NJ: Tim Tebow not only loves Jesus, he may actually have a monopoly on the creative license of Jesus. The pious backup quarterback of the New York Jets caused a stir for copyrights in regards to the Son of God when his lawyers sent a desist letter to a company, Chubby Tees, which was [...]
Baseball Team Forfeits Championship Because of a Girl
Phoenix, AZ: The Our Lady of Tears baseball team forfeited a championship game against Arizona Sun Preparatory School this past weekend because the second base man for Arizona Sun is, in fact, a woman. Phoebe Singer, 15, plays second base on the Arizona Sun baseball team because the school doesn’t have a softball team. Everyone—including [...]
University of Phoenix Announces New Field of Study: Student Debt
Phoenix, AZ: Last month, the University of Phoenix unveiled a new department for registration. The department is called “Student Debt Studies” and boasts a catalog of ten courses covering the subject of owing money for getting educated and preparing students for a future of misery and ramen noodles. The department will combine a number of [...]
Local Idiot Misunderstands Garage Sale
Springfield, OH: A normal garage sale on a normal neighborhood block turned into mayhem this past weekend, as local Springfield resident Nicholas Glunt learned what a garage sale really is, the hard way. Mr. Glunt had purchased his first home in November of last year, so this would be the first garage sale that he [...]
Neil Patrick Harris Admits to Barney Character Acting
New York, NY: With the end of How I Met Your Mother on the horizon, Neil Patrick Harris recently came to terms with a screen rumor about his character in the series, Barney Stinson. Harris, the actor who played Doogie Howser in the 1990s and disappeared for nearly twenty years before appearing in the White [...]
Eli Manning to Host SNL as a Tree
New York, NY: With this weekend’s announcement that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning will be hosting NBC’s Saturday Night Live on May 5th, fans, both of the show and Eli, became anxious about what this would mean. Would it be as wildly successful as Peyton Manning’s 2007 hosting duties that led to numerous commercials? [...]
Gronkowski Continues His Quest to Prove He Isn’t Straight
Kingston, RI: Rob Gronkowski, tight end for the New England Patriots, made another huge step toward both proving that he didn’t have sex with porn star Bibi Jones, and coming fully out of the closet. This step occurred yesterday at the University of Rhode Island, where Gronkowski played a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” on-stage [...]
Google Glasses Ignore Warnings from Futurama
San Francisco, CA: For the first time since its launch as a search engine, the internet monolith Google has done the seemingly impossible: beat Apple to a technological advancement by ripping off a Futurama reference to Apple. The technology? Google glasses, aka Project Glass. The almost glassless glasses, set to feature a small screen in [...]
St. Joseph, Baby Jesus’ Adoptive Father, Tired of Being Ignored
Galilee, ISRAEL: St. Joseph, husband of Mary and adoptive father of Jesus H. Christ, wants to make it known that he is “sick and tired of being ignored.” According to St. Joseph, he is rarely mentioned in bible passages and hasn’t been prominently featured on a Hallmark Christmas Card since 1988. “What a crock of [...]
Baseball Implements Steroid Clause to Re-Gain Interest
Spring has arrived. The sight of freshly mowed grass, the sound of the first crack of a bat and the smell of cracker jacks. Indeed, Major League Baseball is back, and with it, the spirit of change. Whether a subtle rule amendment, divisional realignment or basic player transactions, no MLB season is ever quite like [...]
