Gaza, GAZA STRIP: The situation in Gaza Strip has alarmed the globe. Hamas radicals have fired Katyusha rockets into the nation of Israel after the Israeli demolition of trade tunnels used to transport munitions, the Israeli military re-responded with air-strikes and a ground assault into Gaza Strip, and everyone has egg on their face.
The United Nations and the United States have failed to negotiate a cease-fire between Israel and Hamas. Now, their only hope for peace rests in the hands of 24 star Jack Bauer.
“Mr. Bauer has time and again thwarted terrorist activities and brought realization and peace to the United States and its allies, as well as its enemies sometimes,” stated U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “If anyone can negotiate a peaceful settlement by taking out the radical forces on either side of this conflict and exposing a global conspiracy, it would be Jack Bauer.”
When it was explained to the Secretary-General that 24 is a television show, he responded, “I know, but it is one of the best reality television shows out there. This is why we are mandating Mr. Bauer to aid us in the conflict in Gaza.”
Keifer Sutherland, the actor who plays the U.S. government’s special operative called in on high risk terrorist threats in 24, was accosted inside the Los Angeles restaurant, Spago, and dragged away. Other patrons of the restaurant heard Mr. Sutherland exclaim, “I’m not really Jack Bauer! I don’t even know how to load a gun!”
“This mistaken identity is just a ploy by Mr. Bauer to erase suspicion that he will enter into Gaza,” stated U.N. cabinet member Sir John Holmes. “I can’t say for sure, but off the record, I hear he’s already touched ground.”
From his interception at Spago until now, Keifer Sutherland has allegedly shot three airport security guards, hijacked a military C-17 cargo plane, successfully completed a HALO jump into Gaza with arms and munitions, and has already taken out two radical Hamas groups and a rogue Israeli special-ops unit.
“I hope they’re taping this for the 8th Season. I would hate not to have footage of this latest Jack Bauer adventure,” stated FOX CEO Jeffrey Patton.
“I’m just glad that we were able to get Jack Bauer into Gaza. As history shows, this should only take twenty four hours, which would save thousands of lives in attacks and military exercises that would normally come about for years,” stated Ki-moon.
Members of the Screen Actors Guild were not available for comment.