Elf On The Shelf Found Dead

Milford, CT: Tragedy has struck the holiday season, as an elf on the shelf at the Madison family residence was found mutilated in front of the living room fireplace early this morning.

   The popular “Elf on the Shelf” has been a tradition for most families since the late 1970s. The story goes that, after Thanksgiving, this elf is placed somewhere around the house. Each night, the elf travels to the North Pole to report to Santa Claus about the behavior of the children of the household, and returns to a different spot in the house. It is in this way that Santa Claus is able to surmise if children have been naughty or nice, and if they should receive presents on Christmas.

   This activity has been mandated by the Elven Brotherhood of Toymakers Union since the early 1980s, even after Santa Claus had made an agreement with the United Nations to station invisible cameras in every household across the globe.

   One such elf spy, Nathaniel Stitchbottom, turned up dead this morning. Forensics revealed that Mr. Stitchbottom’s rubber head was torn completely off, and the cotton stuffing extracted from his head and body. The rest of the body seemed torn to shreds, most likely by the Madison family’s golden retriever, Riley. “The body was very moist, so we took a sample of the liquid that encased Mr. Stitchbottom’s body with a saliva sample from the dog,” stated Lt. Detective Arnold Oliver. “It was a positive match.”

   This seemed to be a case of an elf being used as a chew-toy, a common occurrence during the holiday season. On further inspection, however, Det. Oliver found evidence of foul play.

   “When we inspected the decapitation of the victim, we found a clean cut through the neck. This is nearly impossible for a suspect of the canine type, as the teeth of such a suspect would leave a more jagged wound as he or she tore or chewed through the neck,” Det. Oliver continued. “We knew there had to be something more.”

   “Gerald and Stephanie Madison, the guardians of the household, were only able to give the placement of Mr. Stitchbottom post-mortem, however they did give us a motive for one of their children, Brian Madison,” explained Det. Oliver. “Apparently, Mr. Stitchbottom had seen the young Madison sneaking cookies before dinner, and threatened to report this to Santa Claus. Mr. and Mrs. Madison explained this to Brian as they grounded him for one day.” Det. Oliver stated that Mr. and Mrs. Madison used the words “tantrum” and “enraged” when describing Brian Madison’s behavior after he was told of Mr. Stitchbottom’s intentions.

   The 6 year old Brian Madison, while not convicted of the crime, is to be under house arrest until forensics has studied the corpse of Nathaniel Stitchbottom, and finds a match for hairs found on the dead elf’s body. These hairs may be of Riley the dog, Brian Madison, or an unknown suspect that has not been identified at present.

Special thanks to Puneet B. for news scoop.