Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all!
The New Year is set to begin. How poetic it is that this day may end the year, or season, of so many teams…and some of our analysts.
Sunday, January 1st, 2012
VS
Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Lions by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
One team has nothing to play for, except for a few Lambeau Leaps. The other is playing for the right to play whatever NFC East team limps into the finish line. Packers coach Mike McCarthy has stated that he has not decided to what lengths he will rest his starters. Luckily for him, the choice may prove simple, as almost half of his starters are either out or questionable. From the look of it, it seems that everyone wins in this game, except for fantasy football players playing in their prospective Fantasy Super Bowls. More than a handful will probably commit harakiri as that match-up between Aaron Rodgers and Dan Orlovsky doesn’t look quite so easy. Start scanning those waiver wires, kids. Pick: Lions-LOSS
Steve Elle: Lions-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Lions-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN
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VS
San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: 49ers by 11
Darby Shaw:
The 49ers can wrap up the 2nd seed in the playoffs with a win in this game. However, the Rams will put up a fierce… excuse me a moment. The Rams will put up a fierce…. *snicker* *deep breath* Okay. The Rams will put up a fierce fight against the BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. Couldn’t help it. I mean, seriously. Of any of the teams who have something to play for, who has a better path than the 49ers? It’s like they’re looking to get laid and they’re going to a bar called the Pink Roofie. That being said, look for the Rams to cover the spread as some sort of point of pride or something. Pick: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-LOSS
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VS
New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 1
Steve Elle:
The Dolphins, their season long over, will try to play spoiler this game. They may succeed. For the Jets it’s simple. If this happens they’re in: 
. . . , and . . . 
. As proven previously, scientists have attributed the cumulative force created by the continuous expulsion of hot air from Rex Ryan’s mouth to have been reasonably equivalent to the Tidal Force and can represent it with the previous equation (where F equals force (and also ‘fat’), R equals Ryan and M equals moron. Math prodigy Brandon Jacobs proved this theorem after last week’s game against the Giants with his intimate conversation with Ryan. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Jets-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN
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VS
Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 1
Rob Wheatley:
The Vikings used to love playing games with bears, even the younger Vikids would often spend hours blowing and sucking into a straw inserted into the bear’s throat in order to turn the bear inside out like an old rubber glove. Then everyone would shout ‘Rubber Glove’ or at least would have if they would have been invented, so instead everyone just stood around in respectful silence waiting for somebody to clean up the bear. Another favorite pastime was for the Viking to stick his head into the bear’s mouth. You may have seen this as part of a Lion tamer’s act in the circus and be thinking ‘yeah, so what’..well, the Viking never used to go in via the head-end, THAT’S WHAT!! Pick: Vikings-LOSS
Steve Elle: Vikings-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN
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VS
Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 11
Steve Elle:
Jesus, the Bills just destroyed Timmy T and the Broncos last week. In doing so ostensibly they created a blueprint for other teams to follow. To that end, the previous game the Patriots created another blueprint. This blueprint is known as getting a lead and maintaining it. Unfortunately that task won’t be quite so easy with the Bills facing the Pats. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bills-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Patriots-WIN
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VS
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 8
Evil Peyton Manning:
With all the goodwill surrounding Panthers quarterback Cam Newton record-breaking rookie career, I will be the first to say that I didn’t believe the hype in the beginning. However, it had nothing to do with the burnout created by those other recent quarterbacks JaMarcus Russell and Vince Young. The trail of burnout rookies at the quarterback position includes Matt Leinart, Chad Henne, and Tim Couch. Granted, not all of those were #1 draft picks, but they’re white, which should be enough to get Stephen A. Smith off of his high-horse. If it was all about color, white quarterbacks would have never been given another chance as a #1 pick after Tim Couch. Andrew Luck would be considered a disaster waiting to happen. Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Saints-WIN
Darby Shaw: Panthers-LOSS
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VS
Washington Redskins @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 9
Rob Wheatley:
The Redskin doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Partly because he has his own Gods, of the Earth, Sky, Nature and stuff.. and partly because the early Christian settlers raped, stole or murdered pretty much everything the Natives originally had. This must have left the Christian message of love and understanding and all that jazz to be a little confusing to the now raped, pillaged or murdered Indians that were left. No wonder they didn’t seem too grateful. No such confusion for the mighty Eagle, swooping where it will, crapping into last week’s Cowboy’s breakfast and generally not keeping a calendar handy anyway, so trying to tie it down for December 25th is quite hard work. Often you can invite an eagle for drinks and something to eat on Christmas Day, but not have him turn up until sometimes way into January. It’s not the Eagles fault he doesn’t carry a calendar..God never designed him with pockets. Hmm, bit of an oversight there I think. To the game… Pick: Redskins-LOSS
Steve Elle: Eagles-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Redskins-LOSS
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VS
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Jaguars by 4
Darby Shaw:
This week, the Colts have chosen to rest star quarterback Peyton Manning in preparation for the play–what? He’s what? No… he doesn’t miss games! He was gonna be the nice guy who took the “consecutive games started” record from that twatwaffle Favre! Their record? I figured that was a typo. They’re 13-2, right? They were 11-0, the “undefeated” talk started up, and then boneheaded Caldwell moves got them a pair of losses against division rivals. Now you’re telling me we’re in some sort of Bizzarro World where Peyton Manning’s neck, which is supernaturally strong thanks to having to carry around that giant melon of his for 36 years, was his Achilles heel? The world makes no sense anymore. Pick: Jaguars-WIN
Steve Elle: Colts-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Colts-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-LOSS
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VS
Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans
LINE: Titans by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Considering the old age home making up the quarterback depth chart for the Houston Texans, it is the hope of coach Gary Kubiak that T.J. Yates stays healthy enough to at least get to the playoffs. If he doesn’t, the tandem of Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia may prove agonizing for Texans fans. Rumor has it that the two past-prime quarterbacks may be medically merged so that the Texans will have a back-up quarterback that can both hand the football off and throw an interception or 5 if needed. It’s really all about clock management. Pick: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Texans-WIN
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VS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 12
Steve Elle:
With the Bucs’ season blessedly all but over, they travel to Atlanta to dance with the Falcons for 3 hours. And by dance I mean move around in strange ways while attempting to tackle Falcons offensive players. Beleaguered coach Raheem Morris, in preparation for this task, has only one dance move he wants his players to learn. It is known that during the game Morris will shout “do the Hustle!” whenever it is deemed that his players are giving minimal effort. Some pundits believe that this proclamation will be heard as if on continuous loop. Pick: Falcons-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Falcons-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bucs-LOSS
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VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Ravens by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
There is nothing more fun than watching a team play for its playoff life like the Bengals will be doing this Sunday. Nothing more fun except watching Little Orphan Annie’s kid running for his life from the Ravens defense. Unless you add Ray Lewis heading the blitz while he’s foaming at the mouth.
Scratch all that. There is nothing more fun than Little Orphan Annie being ripped apart and eaten by an army of grizzly bears that are singing “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes. Unless they’re all riding unicycles. DAMMIT! Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN
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VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: EVEN
Rob Wheatley:
The concepts of ‘Steel’ and ‘Brown’ are not interchangeable. For example, to go into a project with “steely determination” would be a good thing, whereas “with brown determination” just gives a sense of having overdone things a little. Similarly, a “Chef’s Steel” is what he uses to sharpen his knives, whereas a “Chef’s brown” simply refers his heroin stash. At least I hope it does. I was introduced to the concept of ‘Chef’s Butt-Crack’ this week, a friend explained it to me while I cried in disbelief. In a professional kitchen, things can get pretty hot, and sweat makes its way down into the Chef’s arse crack, where it congeals, ferments and gets generally nasty. This made me think of poor old Gordon Ramsey..if that happens in a single bum-crack, imagine the state of his face after a heavy night if it already looks like a Boxer-dog’s scrotum on a good day. Then I remembered that I hate Ramsey and couldn’t care less about the state of either end of the wretched man, as long as whatever it is that he does, he does it somewhere else.. Pick: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Steelers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Steelers-WIN
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VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 4
Darby Shaw:
Dear Chiefs: I give up. You started the season looking like you were just gonna lurp everything up, thanks to a series of injuries. I was okay with that–players going down could derail anyone’s season. Worst case scenario, you’d get into the Andrew Luck competition. Then you won four in a row, and I was all, “Holy shit, we could win the division!” Then you lost four in a row, and I was all, “Holy shit, we suck again!” Then, after a series of win-loss-win-loss, highlighted by a win against undefeated Green Bay and lowlighted by losing in OT to the Raiders and getting shut out of the playoffs, I started drinking. This morning, I woke up next to a badger wearing a tutu. Go to hell. P.S. All is forgiven if you just beat Jeebow and the Broncos. Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Steve Elle: Broncos-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-WIN
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VS
San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 3
Rob Wheatley:
According to my extensive (three minutes on wikipedia) research for this game, San Diego, home to the Chargers, is the eighteenth most walkable city in America. It is also well known for its all year round mild weather, and was the ninth safest city in 2010 according to crime statistics. In other words, it’s boring. Boring, boring , boring. No drug-crazed bloodbaths on the streets on a Saturday night, no high expectations of disastrous earthquakes or twisters. No political intrigue or international conspiracy will ever start from here, it’s just too damned boring. Did Tony Bennett or Andy Williams or Frank Sinatra ever sing a song about losing some vital organ in San Diego ? No, of course they didn’t because they would have been too busy sleeping from all the boredom to have noticed. I mean, a town that close to the Mexican border, and no regular shoot-outs with the law or the local drug-lords ? What a waste ! Chargers don’t deserve to win! Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Steve Elle: Raiders-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Chargers-WIN
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Sunday, December 25th, 2011
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Seahawks by 3
Steve Elle:
The regional Nielsen servers in the state of Arizona are being fortified due to fears of a meltdown as this classic NFL match-up takes place on Sunday. Reminiscent of such classic match-ups as Bradshaw vs. Staubach, Marino vs. Montana, and Manning vs. Brady – Jackson vs. Skelton is sure to be a thriller. I am, of course, guessing that Tavaris Jackson is still the starting QB for the Seahawks. I really don’t know. My apologies. Pick: Cardinals-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Seahawks-LOSS
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Monday, January 2nd, 2012
VS
Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 3
Darby Shaw:
Well, the NFL was fortunate in being able to flex a “winner gets in, loser goes home” scenario into the Sunday night game. Unfortunately, that game is between the Giants and the Cowboys, the two most uninteresting teams in the NFL. Even perpetual fellater Cris Collinsworth will have a hard time slavering over any of the players today–although he will give Eli Manning his best shot, as the red-headed stepbrother to Collinsworth fave Peyton Manning. The only real question worth asking in this game is this: could Tony Romo’s swollen right hand from last week have fit into Eli Manning’s continually gaping, slack-jawed mouth? Pick: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-WIN
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 128-115
Darby Shaw: 123-120
Steve Elle: 117-126
Evil Peyton Manning: 114-129
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CONTEST
T.O. : 134-109
Obi-Wallace: 129-114
AmyC: 125-118
Beta Boy: 122-121
JMcG: 120-123
Corrupted Clown: 118-125
RickyB: 114-129
Giants Chick: 109-134
Mike Marbles Francesa: 109-134
Angelicus Rex: 104-139
La Princessa: 13-230
JohnnyO: 9-234