Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.

Let us see how many Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, and Scientology-themed Gift Day jokes they can dish out!

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011


Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Texans by 7

Evil Peyton Manning:

With the first win under their belt, the resurgent 1-13 Colts are ready to battle back to the top of their division, starting with the AFC South division winner Houston Texans. While many believe it is too late to do anything but destroy their contention to get Andrew Luck in the draft, Colts owner Jim Irsay has publically called for a mulligan on the first 12 games. This comes from the fact that Dan Orlovsky was cut during an abbreviated pre-season due to Peyton Manning’s assistant, Jim Caldwell. Pick: Colts-WIN

Steve Elle: Texans-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN

Darby Shaw: Texans-LOSS


Saturday, December 24th, 2011


Denver Broncos @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Broncos by 3

Rob Wheatley:

You would have thought with the sheer size of a real live Buffalo that the Bills would have this one sewn up. Stampeding, and probably even stomparding all over the opposition in a display of utter brutality which leaves nothing on the pitch other than some Bronco soup and broken helmets. But no, suddenly it’s John Denver, and he ain’t getting on no crazy jet plane with no fools !  Punching and kicking his way to victory, he rears his steaming Bronco towards the tv cameras in a display of what can only be described as ‘horse genitalia’ , and there’s an advert for Coldpay but nobody notices. Pick: Bills-WIN

Steve Elle: Bills-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Bills-WIN



Arizona Cardinals @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals by 4

Rob Wheatley:

 The Cincinnati Bengals would have been my favorite team if only they’d named themselves after a small but vital part of a spinning wheel. Imagine the Cincinnati Niddy-Noddys. As for the Cardinals, they’re named after strange men in dresses who float on a mysterious cushion of air and are generally up to no good in the Henry VIII films and Three Musketeers with Dogtanian, Wolverine, Pingu, Anus and Mo. The Dolphins are just as bad, even though they’re not even in this game. If Dolphins are so bloody intelligent, how come I can’t phone one up to fix my car ? I haven’t got a car.  That must be why then. Pick: Bengals-WIN

Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN



Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Titans by 8

Steve Elle:

The book of Exodus fits this game. Exodus, which means ‘going away’ and its various synonyms, is an apt description of where these two teams’ playoff hopes are headed. The Jags, hoping to cross the Red Sea of losing with their new owner and a new coach to come, would seem to have much to play for. But oh, what a boring team this is. Blaine Gabbert plays as silly as his name. MJD is a stud but is wasted on this mess of a team. The Titans are better off, but not by much, however they seem headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, this game will not be manna from heaven. Pick: Titans-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Titans-LOSS



Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: Chiefs by 2

Darby Shaw:

You know what? I don’t even care. The Chiefs beat the Packers, and you all can suck it. Pick: Chiefs-LOSS

Steve Elle: Raiders-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-WIN




Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 10

Steve Elle:

The book of Genesis was the beginning of it all, so say our biblical scholars and the ancient scribes. The world was created with man as representative, a very poor one it turns out. With man turning out to be largely an arsehole and royal pain in the butt, God says “oh yeah?” and drowns many of his reps in a colossal flood. What does this have to do with the game? Well, among those saved on the yacht known as Noah’s Ark were in fact two dolphins. Man was still intact and eventually learned to be patriotic. Eventually worlds collided and converged and patriotic men crossed paths with docile dolphins, which explains a lot. For most of the early season the Dolphins were docile. No more. The Dolphins provide a far stiffer test than the Pats would have thought just a few weeks ago. With the Pats’ defense being Swiss cheese-like, the Dolphins can do some damage and more. Interim coach Todd Bowles will try to add a gem to his resume. The Pats will have their hands full. Amen. Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN




New York Jets @ New York Giants

LINE: Jets by 3

Evil Peyton Manning:

The battle for New York has much at stake. Not only are both New York teams in a must-win situation, but they are both coming off of embarassing losses: for the Jets, against the Philadelphia Eagles; for the Giants, against the Washington Redskins. While most sports pundits are calling this game to end in a 0-0 tie, Giants receivers aren’t so sure, as Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz believe they will running circles around “decent” cornerback Darelle Revis. Whether or not they catch the ball remains to be seen. Pick: Giants-WIN

Steve Elle: Giants-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN

Darby Shaw: Giants-WIN




St. Louis Rams @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers by 17

Evil Peyton Manning:

When it comes to Ben Roethlisberger, no line seems out of reach for the Steelers. Without Roethlisberger, every line seems out of reach. If it were that easy to pick this game like last week’s trouncing by the 49ers, we’d all be in the money, but this is the Rams we are talking about. Big Ben could roll out onto the field in a wheelchair and still throw for 300 yards while breaking tackles. Sam Bradford would probably get hurt tying his shoe-laces. Pick: Rams-LOSS

Steve Elle: Steelers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS



Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Redskins by 7

Rob Wheatley:

 When the Vikings used to celebrate Xmas, or Axemass as they called it, the men would have a contest to see who could grow the biggest tree out of their face. They had two days to grow at least a fifteen foot high specimen , or else they would have a leg pulled off and be thrown out of the game.  The winner would then be given a small axe and had to cut down the tree while being attacked by bears. If he survived this he was set on fire. Pick: Redskins-LOSS

Steve Elle: Redskins-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Redskins-LOSS



Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Panthers by 8

Steve Elle:

The book of Leviticus begins with the Laws on sacrifice (1:1-7:38). This is crucial to the Bucs/Panthers game as Raheem Morris is being considered as sacrificial lamb (well, sacrificial handsome black man anyway) at the end of this disappointing season. According to the Prescriptions for practical holiness (article F – Rules for eating sacrifices), Morris must be eaten in a kosher manner. This will not help those rumors of the Glazers, horns, etc, but perhaps a win here will save his hide. So to speak. Cam Newton however, he is blessed. He is Tim Tebow minus the Sunday school and with a lot more practical talent. The Bucs hope to sacrifice him on Saturday (the Sabbath). Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Panthers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Panthers-WIN



Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 13

Darby Shaw:

 Obviously, Cleveland is cursed. I mean… they had Bill Belichick as their coach, and they sucked. Then Belichick went to the Patriots and proceeded to win an assload of Super Bowls. They had a team, and they sucked. Then the team went to Baltimore, won a Super Bowl, and has been a perennial playoff team. Good players get drafted by the team and flop. Bad players leave their rosters for greener pastures and become Pro Bowlers. And that’s not even looking at the Cavs, or the Indians. Hell, even Charlie Sheen, who played a PRETEND Cleveland athlete in a movie, has slowly degenerated into a batshit crazy celebrity who’s six months away from being on Celebrity Rehab. That being said, they cover the spread. Pick: Browns-WIN

Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Browns-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-WIN



San Diego Chargers @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 3

Evil Peyton Manning:

 Once in a football millenia(7 years in human years), a player comes face to face with his future: high draft pick; go-to receiver; insane linebacker; rocket-arm; retarded coach; missed playoff chances; injured runningbacks; retarded coach exchanged for even more retarded coach. Matthew Stafford, take a good long look at Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers, and tell yourself, “It doesn’t have to end like this.” Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN

Darby Shaw: Chargers-LOSS



Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys by 3

Rob Wheatley:

 A Cowboy likes nothing more than to wake up on Christmas day, put on a pair of paper trousers and spend the morning rustling. The Eagle is just glad it’s not a turkey. The Cowboy then stokes up his fire, looks out over the plains and tips whiskey into a pot of scalding coffee . He pours it over his beans. That’s not a mistake you make twice in your life. The Eagle craps into the Cowboy’s breakfast from a great height. Now not only are the Cowboy’s testes in no condition for a long horse ride, but he’s also about to eat Eagle poo. Pick: Eagles-WIN

Steve Elle: Eagles-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Cowboys-LOSS



San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: 49ers by 2

Steve Elle:

In the book of Deuteronomy, 3 speeches are given to the Chosen ones shortly before they enter the promised land. The 49ers, getting ever closer to the promised land in their surprising season, will most likely hear one of those speeches in the next few weeks, perhaps before this game. The Jim Harbaugh-led 49ers seem to be for real. Alex Smith is a productive, if unspectacular, QB. The defense has amazingly held every rusher to under 100 yards all season. It will be tested by a revitalized Marshawn Lynch. Pete Carroll has created an exciting, college like atmosphere in Seattle. Moses couldn’t have written a better script. Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: 49ers-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: 49ers-LOSS


Sunday, December 25th, 2011


Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 13

Darby Shaw:

 Well, the Packers got handed their “NO FUCKING WAY” game, thanks to the Chiefs. All the “undefeated season” hoopla has turned into “good, we didn’t want the pressure” sour grapes sound bites. And now, the rest of the league can look at the Chiefs as a model of what to… BHAHAHAHAHAHAH… hang on. Can look at the Chiefs as a model of what to do on defe… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I just can’t say it. Pick: Packers-WIN

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-LOSS


Monday, December 26th, 2011


Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints

LINE: Saints by 7

Darby Shaw:

The only story more tired than the annual “what team can go undefeated” routine is the annual “hey, Drew Brees might beat Dan Marino’s single-season passing record” schtick. For chrissake’s, Brees, do it or don’t. Shit or get off the pot already. I’m ready for Marino to be surpassed as a passing icon and relegated to Isotoner and Weight Watchers commercials. Oh, and the inevitable gritty Ace Ventura reboot in 10 years. Pick: Saints-WIN

Steve Elle: Saints-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS






Rob Wheatley: 122-105

Darby Shaw: 111-116

Steve Elle: 108-119

Evil Peyton Manning: 106-121




T.O. : 127-100

Obi-Wallace: 121-106

AmyC: 117-110

Beta Boy: 114-1113

Corrupted Clown: 110-117

JMcG: 110-117

RickyB: 106-121

Giants Chick: 100-127

Mike Marbles Francesa: 100-127

Angelicus Rex: 96-131

La Princessa: 13-214

JohnnyO: 9-218

By FascistEditor

As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.