Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
Let us see how many Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, and Scientology-themed Gift Day jokes they can dish out!
Thursday, December 22nd, 2011
VS
Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Texans by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
With the first win under their belt, the resurgent 1-13 Colts are ready to battle back to the top of their division, starting with the AFC South division winner Houston Texans. While many believe it is too late to do anything but destroy their contention to get Andrew Luck in the draft, Colts owner Jim Irsay has publically called for a mulligan on the first 12 games. This comes from the fact that Dan Orlovsky was cut during an abbreviated pre-season due to Peyton Manning’s assistant, Jim Caldwell. Pick: Colts-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Darby Shaw: Texans-LOSS
_____________________________
Saturday, December 24th, 2011
VS
Denver Broncos @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Broncos by 3
Rob Wheatley:
You would have thought with the sheer size of a real live Buffalo that the Bills would have this one sewn up. Stampeding, and probably even stomparding all over the opposition in a display of utter brutality which leaves nothing on the pitch other than some Bronco soup and broken helmets. But no, suddenly it’s John Denver, and he ain’t getting on no crazy jet plane with no fools ! Punching and kicking his way to victory, he rears his steaming Bronco towards the tv cameras in a display of what can only be described as ‘horse genitalia’ , and there’s an advert for Coldpay but nobody notices. Pick: Bills-WIN
Steve Elle: Bills-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bills-WIN
_____________________________
VS
Arizona Cardinals @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 4
Rob Wheatley:
The Cincinnati Bengals would have been my favorite team if only they’d named themselves after a small but vital part of a spinning wheel. Imagine the Cincinnati Niddy-Noddys. As for the Cardinals, they’re named after strange men in dresses who float on a mysterious cushion of air and are generally up to no good in the Henry VIII films and Three Musketeers with Dogtanian, Wolverine, Pingu, Anus and Mo. The Dolphins are just as bad, even though they’re not even in this game. If Dolphins are so bloody intelligent, how come I can’t phone one up to fix my car ? I haven’t got a car. That must be why then. Pick: Bengals-WIN
Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN
_____________________________
VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 8
Steve Elle:
The book of Exodus fits this game. Exodus, which means ‘going away’ and its various synonyms, is an apt description of where these two teams’ playoff hopes are headed. The Jags, hoping to cross the Red Sea of losing with their new owner and a new coach to come, would seem to have much to play for. But oh, what a boring team this is. Blaine Gabbert plays as silly as his name. MJD is a stud but is wasted on this mess of a team. The Titans are better off, but not by much, however they seem headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, this game will not be manna from heaven. Pick: Titans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Titans-LOSS
_____________________________
VS
Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 2
Darby Shaw:
Steve Elle: Raiders-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-WIN
____________________________
VS
Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 10
Steve Elle:
The book of Genesis was the beginning of it all, so say our biblical scholars and the ancient scribes. The world was created with man as representative, a very poor one it turns out. With man turning out to be largely an arsehole and royal pain in the butt, God says “oh yeah?” and drowns many of his reps in a colossal flood. What does this have to do with the game? Well, among those saved on the yacht known as Noah’s Ark were in fact two dolphins. Man was still intact and eventually learned to be patriotic. Eventually worlds collided and converged and patriotic men crossed paths with docile dolphins, which explains a lot. For most of the early season the Dolphins were docile. No more. The Dolphins provide a far stiffer test than the Pats would have thought just a few weeks ago. With the Pats’ defense being Swiss cheese-like, the Dolphins can do some damage and more. Interim coach Todd Bowles will try to add a gem to his resume. The Pats will have their hands full. Amen. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN
__________________________________
VS
New York Jets @ New York Giants
LINE: Jets by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
The battle for New York has much at stake. Not only are both New York teams in a must-win situation, but they are both coming off of embarassing losses: for the Jets, against the Philadelphia Eagles; for the Giants, against the Washington Redskins. While most sports pundits are calling this game to end in a 0-0 tie, Giants receivers aren’t so sure, as Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz believe they will running circles around “decent” cornerback Darelle Revis. Whether or not they catch the ball remains to be seen. Pick: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN
Darby Shaw: Giants-WIN
_________________________________
VS
St. Louis Rams @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 17
Evil Peyton Manning:
When it comes to Ben Roethlisberger, no line seems out of reach for the Steelers. Without Roethlisberger, every line seems out of reach. If it were that easy to pick this game like last week’s trouncing by the 49ers, we’d all be in the money, but this is the Rams we are talking about. Big Ben could roll out onto the field in a wheelchair and still throw for 300 yards while breaking tackles. Sam Bradford would probably get hurt tying his shoe-laces. Pick: Rams-LOSS
Steve Elle: Steelers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS
__________________________________
VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 7
Rob Wheatley:
When the Vikings used to celebrate Xmas, or Axemass as they called it, the men would have a contest to see who could grow the biggest tree out of their face. They had two days to grow at least a fifteen foot high specimen , or else they would have a leg pulled off and be thrown out of the game. The winner would then be given a small axe and had to cut down the tree while being attacked by bears. If he survived this he was set on fire. Pick: Redskins-LOSS
Steve Elle: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Redskins-LOSS
___________________________________
VS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 8
Steve Elle:
The book of Leviticus begins with the Laws on sacrifice (1:1-7:38). This is crucial to the Bucs/Panthers game as Raheem Morris is being considered as sacrificial lamb (well, sacrificial handsome black man anyway) at the end of this disappointing season. According to the Prescriptions for practical holiness (article F – Rules for eating sacrifices), Morris must be eaten in a kosher manner. This will not help those rumors of the Glazers, horns, etc, but perhaps a win here will save his hide. So to speak. Cam Newton however, he is blessed. He is Tim Tebow minus the Sunday school and with a lot more practical talent. The Bucs hope to sacrifice him on Saturday (the Sabbath). Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Panthers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Panthers-WIN
_________________________________________
VS
Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 13
Darby Shaw:
Obviously, Cleveland is cursed. I mean… they had Bill Belichick as their coach, and they sucked. Then Belichick went to the Patriots and proceeded to win an assload of Super Bowls. They had a team, and they sucked. Then the team went to Baltimore, won a Super Bowl, and has been a perennial playoff team. Good players get drafted by the team and flop. Bad players leave their rosters for greener pastures and become Pro Bowlers. And that’s not even looking at the Cavs, or the Indians. Hell, even Charlie Sheen, who played a PRETEND Cleveland athlete in a movie, has slowly degenerated into a batshit crazy celebrity who’s six months away from being on Celebrity Rehab. That being said, they cover the spread. Pick: Browns-WIN
Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Browns-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-WIN
______________________________________
VS
San Diego Chargers @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Once in a football millenia(7 years in human years), a player comes face to face with his future: high draft pick; go-to receiver; insane linebacker; rocket-arm; retarded coach; missed playoff chances; injured runningbacks; retarded coach exchanged for even more retarded coach. Matthew Stafford, take a good long look at Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers, and tell yourself, “It doesn’t have to end like this.” Pick: Chargers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN
Darby Shaw: Chargers-LOSS
_________________________________________
VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 3
Rob Wheatley:
A Cowboy likes nothing more than to wake up on Christmas day, put on a pair of paper trousers and spend the morning rustling. The Eagle is just glad it’s not a turkey. The Cowboy then stokes up his fire, looks out over the plains and tips whiskey into a pot of scalding coffee . He pours it over his beans. That’s not a mistake you make twice in your life. The Eagle craps into the Cowboy’s breakfast from a great height. Now not only are the Cowboy’s testes in no condition for a long horse ride, but he’s also about to eat Eagle poo. Pick: Eagles-WIN
Steve Elle: Eagles-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Cowboys-LOSS
_______________________________________
VS
San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: 49ers by 2
Steve Elle:
In the book of Deuteronomy, 3 speeches are given to the Chosen ones shortly before they enter the promised land. The 49ers, getting ever closer to the promised land in their surprising season, will most likely hear one of those speeches in the next few weeks, perhaps before this game. The Jim Harbaugh-led 49ers seem to be for real. Alex Smith is a productive, if unspectacular, QB. The defense has amazingly held every rusher to under 100 yards all season. It will be tested by a revitalized Marshawn Lynch. Pete Carroll has created an exciting, college like atmosphere in Seattle. Moses couldn’t have written a better script. Pick: 49ers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: 49ers-LOSS
_______________________________________
Sunday, December 25th, 2011
VS
Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 13
Darby Shaw:
Well, the Packers got handed their “NO FUCKING WAY” game, thanks to the Chiefs. All the “undefeated season” hoopla has turned into “good, we didn’t want the pressure” sour grapes sound bites. And now, the rest of the league can look at the Chiefs as a model of what to… BHAHAHAHAHAHAH… hang on. Can look at the Chiefs as a model of what to do on defe… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I just can’t say it. Pick: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-LOSS
______________________________________
Monday, December 26th, 2011
VS
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 7
Darby Shaw:
The only story more tired than the annual “what team can go undefeated” routine is the annual “hey, Drew Brees might beat Dan Marino’s single-season passing record” schtick. For chrissake’s, Brees, do it or don’t. Shit or get off the pot already. I’m ready for Marino to be surpassed as a passing icon and relegated to Isotoner and Weight Watchers commercials. Oh, and the inevitable gritty Ace Ventura reboot in 10 years. Pick: Saints-WIN
Steve Elle: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS
__________________________________
RECORDS
___________________________________
ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 122-105
Darby Shaw: 111-116
Steve Elle: 108-119
Evil Peyton Manning: 106-121
___________________________________
___________________________________
CONTEST
T.O. : 127-100
Obi-Wallace: 121-106
AmyC: 117-110
Beta Boy: 114-1113
Corrupted Clown: 110-117
JMcG: 110-117
RickyB: 106-121
Giants Chick: 100-127
Mike Marbles Francesa: 100-127
Angelicus Rex: 96-131
La Princessa: 13-214
JohnnyO: 9-218