It had to happen. After such an insane response to my HBO’s Game of Thrones Explained…with Beer article
, I decided to push the envelope and see what I could get away with in a sequel article.
I know, it’s shameful. The initial idea of putting characters of the show in line with beer, and in this case general alcohol products, was fresh, surprising, and that led to them being funny. At least, that’s what I hope I had accomplished. With a sequel article, there is no freshness, surprise, and because of that, they may not be as good. Kind of like A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 2, it is created to shit all over the last bit of intelligence that the first article offered.
Then again, this could the makings of an intelligent trilogy, or even series, much like Star Wars, Harry Potter, and the first two Back to the Future movies. I’m not regurgitating. These are a new group of characters, a new group of alcohol(even if it does have a cameo in line with KISS showing up in a Scooby-Doo episode), and a new group of jokes. But you don’t have to take my word for it…
Well, yeah, you do.
So, without further ado, I will continue to explain HBO’s Game of Thrones…with more beer.
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Character: Cersei Baratheon, queen to the former King Robert, mother of Joffrey, big fan of incest.
Played By: Lena Headey
Beer: Bud Light
Both reasoning behind how people fall for this beer and men fall for Cersei (particularly her brother) continues to elude me. They are both just there when nothing else really interests you, but you need to have a cold, sweaty, tasteless body pressed against you as you walk around. King Robert lost Lyanna Stark, and settled for Cersei. Jaime Lannister lost his honor, and settled for Cersei. King Joffrey lost his mind, and will probably settle on Cersei. Countless people, disheartened by skunk beer, horrible selections, or just sheer laziness settle on Bud Light every day.
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Character: Bran Stark, son of Ned and Catelyn Stark.
Played By: Isaac Hempstead-Wright
Beer: Duvel
It would seem that a kid should get a non-alcoholic reference. Well, neither this piece with its crude humor, this show with its T&A, and this beer because of alcohol content isn’t for kids either, so it fits for comparison. Even better is the fit of Duvel to this little lord. Both beer and boy are crippled due to size(and being thrown out of a tower), but pack a distinguished lineage(Belgium and Winterfell) and a complex nature(fruity dry and hoppy in line with dreaming about 3-eyed crows). Both will probably be the lone survivors of their prospective stories when all is said and done.
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Character: Joffrey Baratheon, Mad King Junior, Douchenozzle.
Played By: Jack Gleeson
Beer: Four Loko
Truth: Four Loko is not a beer. Four Loko is an alcoholic beverage for people who want to drink and not get drunk until the last possible moment, the moment when they’ve finally lured jailbait into bed and then proceed to fall asleep and lose their erection. It tastes fruity, so it is well in line with wine coolers. Truth: Joffrey is not the real king. Joffrey is the hillbilly offspring of siblings Jaime and Cersei Lannister and has major emotional issues, probably because of the mixing of familial chromosomes that make him look like a retarded elf. This could lead to odd, controlling behavior like cutting out musicians’ tongues and romantic gestures such as showing his bride-to-be her father’s head on a stake. (Special thanks to AmyT for the comparison idea)
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Character: Jorah Mormont, exiled knight serving as protector of Daenerys Targaryen.
Played By: Iain Glen
Beer: Sam Adams Boston Lager
I don’t know if it is because I’ve become obsessed with imported beers, I’m easily turned off by beers that have a lot of commercials, or that there are so many damn types of Sam Adams beers that I haven’t had a chance to focus on liking one, but I’m just not a fan even though this line is touted as one of the best mainstream American beers. It just seems like a hoppier Budweiser.
This is also how I feel about Jorah. There is so much to like about the guy as he protects Daenerys during her quest to rule, but there’s that lingering doubt as to why he got his ass tossed out of Westeros by the Starks that makes me distrust him.
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Character: Theon Greyjoy, 10+ year hostage to the Starks that acts like a brother, big fan of medieval call-girls.
Played By: Alfie Allen
Beer: LaBatt Blue
Ok, so the United States doesn’t hold Canada hostage. Instead of our women, Canada likes our Maine and Florida. Canada becomes extremely irate when we move in on their hockey players(ie Martin Brodeur). Would they have our back in the end? I’d like to think so. But since we’re speaking about beer, I’ll go with LaBatt Blue.
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Character: Samwell Tarly, chubby wimp of the Night’s Watch that befriends Jon Snow.
Played By: John Bradley
Beer: Foster’s
Taking a train into the city for a sporting event or concert where pre-gaming is necessary always poses the problem, “How much beer should we get?” It’s a 45 minute train ride. A sixer is too much for, say, two people. A single bottle is too little. So, by the process of elimination, that pudgy blue and gold can wins out over the less tasty Colt 45 and Olde E. The beer isn’t great. It’s beer. It fits in your hand. Eh, what the hell, it’ll do in a clinch, and won’t disappoint you. Kind of like Sam.
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Character: Doreah, slave girl and Sex-Ed professor for the Dothraki.
Played By: Roxanne McKee
Beer: St. Pauli Girl
It’s a hard comparison to make: one is brunette, the other is blonde. One you know looks good naked, the other is a cartoon character at best. One knows sex and gives lessons in pleasing a man while setting up hot girl-on-girl action with Daenerys, the other is beer whose German brewery won’t even distribute in its homeland.
But that’s where they both come together: you don’t care if Doreah can act when she’s getting naked and grinding Daenerys just like you don’t care what St. Pauli Girl beer tastes like when one of their promo girls is bearing down on you with fishnet stockings and a doily for a blouse.
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Character: Jeor Mormont, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, “Gramps”.
Played By: James Cosmo
Beer: Fuller’s London Pride
Barely known, even rarely heard, yet holds the protection of the free world in their hands…or, taps. Fuller’s is one of the last beers I have tried. Why this isn’t exported by the boatload to the States is unknown to me. What I do know is once I had a glass of this beer on a room temperature tap in a British pub in London, I was hooked. Much like how I was hooked on the father-figure persona of Jeor and how he treated Jon Snow. Reasons aren’t always specific. Sometimes it is just a feeling, a feeling hopefully not brought on by skunk beer.
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Character: Viserys Targaryen, one of the exiled children of the Mad King and all-around asshole.
Played By: Harry Lloyd
Beer: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Remember when you watched David Lynch’s Blue Velvet, and you thought Pabst Blue Ribbon had to be awesome because a drugged out Dennis Hopper went ballistic when Kyle MacLachlan asked for Heineken? Then all your hipster friends started ordering Pabst Blue Ribbon specifically because they thought they were so rad drinking shitty beer to look ironic?
Presenting Viserys Targaryen. The only reason viewers may have had against the revolt stewing across the sea from Westeros is the idea that some albino prick that would let an army of barbarians do a train on his sister just to make an army would then be king. This made the storyline very much like Pabst Blue Ribbon: annoying due to the fact that it is fucking insane that anyone could follow this guy. Luckily he pisses off Drogo and has a bowl of melted gold poured on his head, making room for a storyline that complicates things rather than looks “ironic”.
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Character: Robb Stark, eldest son of the late Ned Stark and Catelyn Stark and heir to Winterfell.
Played By: Richard Madden
Beer: Guinness
Oddly enough, Robb seems more like a poster-boy for Winterfell in these times of war than even his father, Ned. This may be the case because Ned has, or had, gotten old, and seen too much to give much of a shit about himself or honor anymore, and started going toward a more subdued flavor without so much filling. Not so with Robb. He may have started with his family in mind as he pushed his thick, frothy…army through Westeros, but personal honor and the growing thought of sitting in the iron throne himself have turned his brewing patterns into the more hearty, boisterous type that goes so well with Guinness.
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Character: Tywin Lannister, head of House Lannister and butcher in his spare time.
Played By: Charles Dance
Beer: Meister Brau
There are some things in this world that are put here for the sole purpose of being hated so much that everything surrounding them seems that much better: mosquitoes; head cheese; Pauley Shore. Of course, we wouldn’t be here without two specific items: Tywin Lannister, and Meister Brau.
Meister Brau is my generation’s college beer, aside from Natty Ice. Every frat party had either one, and nothing any better, which could have been, really, anything aside from cat piss. however, this lockdown on premium beer was a lesson in character building. It taught me that, if your sole purpose is to get drunk, who cares what you’re drinking? But if your purpose is to enjoy beer, sip deeply, and understand how you cannot possibly drink Meister Brau any other way except shot-gunning.
So it is with Tywin Lannister. The guy is a total asshole. He’s an asshole to his dwarf son, he’s an asshole to mountain-folk, he was an asshole to the Mad King, I’m sure, and he’s an asshole to pretty, foreign prostitutes everywhere. However, he is such an asshole that he helps show how the other members of House Lannister(except that little douche-nozzle Joffrey) have spots for our sympathy, no matter how small. They may be small, but Tywin doesn’t seem to have any. It’s hard to grow up and not be a jerk when your dad is King Shithead from the Land of the Nut Crushers.
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So where does that leave Games of Thrones itself this time? With plenty of room to have another sequel article.