My favorite news story of the week: Jesse James has affairs with 4 women, possibly as high as 11.
If I were Sandra Bullock, I’d be scrubbing my vagina with a brillo pad and raiding CVS of all the fungicide
on their shelves. I might even take a bath in paint thinner and then hose myself off with molten lava. Have you seen some of the women this guy hooked up with? If Sandra ends up with anything less than 4 STDs, I think she should thank God for being kind.
It’s really remarkable to hear stories about guys like Jesse James and Tiger Woods cheating on their wives. Remember the days when celebrities would have an affair… with like ONE person? How did we get to a place in time when less than 4 is unacceptable? Don’t these people have jobs?? Where do they find the time? I barely have time to clean my apartment, let alone have affairs with 10 men. I wouldn’t be able to keep them all straight. I’d have to refer to all of them as “Hey you”. Even that might get confusing.
In James’ case this is a HUGE mistake. His wife is Sandra Bullock, she’s one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood. She got more doors opened for this poor slob than he deserved to walk through. Tiger’s situation, on the other hand, makes a lot more sense. Tiger is the biggest name in golf, he’s a billionaire, and he’s young. It makes sense that he wouldn’t be satisfied with just one woman, unless that woman was a bionic robot with an appetite for sex 24 hours a day. But I hear once you’re married you no longer get to have sex. It’s one of the reasons I’ve actively avoided it. That and the fact that I have a talent for making men run away screaming from me after a few weeks of dating.
But Jesse James… this guy looks like the old drunk homeless guy who sits out by my bus stop all day long
and randomly shouts out obscenities that I can barely understand. He’s nowhere near remotely good looking, and I think the attractiveness of full body tattoos went out with the 90s. When the two of them started dating I just assumed Sandra had fallen and hit her head on something and was momentarily unconscious of what she was doing. When they got married I thought, “Hmmm. Maybe there’s more to this guy than I originally thought.”
And there is. Like 8 women, one of whom admitted to sleeping with James just because she thought at some point she’d get her hands on his money.
Seriously, classy chicks these girls. I love the fact that they’ve all hired lawyers and are claiming that Jesse forced them to have sex with him. Listen up ladies, unless some guy has you tied up in his basement with a gun to your head, there’s nothing forced about this. You all voluntarily walked into his office and had sex with him. Don’t tell me you were forced to do it in order to get a job. I think that’s called prostitution. If my boss tried to force me to have sex in order to keep my job I’d run out of here like the building was on fire.
(Regardless of the fact that my boss is a 60 year old woman from Ohio who vaguely resembles Grimace and kinda smells like moth balls. I’m not sure Jesse James has her beat in the scary department, it’s a close race.)
I heard Sandra had some advice for Tiger Wood’s wife when she was going through her situation. Sandra’s advice was for Elin to beat the living hell out of Tiger. I seriously hope she takes her own advice and takes a two by four to old JJ. Because somebody that stupid deserves to get severely beaten with a bat, run over by a bus and then eaten by a shark.