Washington, DC— In an interview with 60 Minutes Monday, President Obama announced the start of a new era of the War on Terror. In response to reporter Steve Kroft pointing out that the US was taking the lead on the attacks against ISIS, Obama shrugged his shoulders and said, “If there’s something strange in the global hood, who you gonna call?” Then he flipped the table and shouted, “Terror Busters!”
Terror Busters is a re-branding of the War on Terror, which had become synonymous with stagnation and political bungling. In other words, it had become too much like a war. The Pentagon had been searching for a way to regain public trust and rather than embark on costly reassessments of strategy and organizational values, they took a page from the Blackwater/Xe playbook and just changed the name.
To spread the word about the new campaign, Obama has formed a team of public relations experts. The team will consist of him, Secretary of State John Kerry, Press Secretary Josh Earnest and Bill Murray, who will tour the country in a Cadillac Miller-Meteor, going from town hall to UN meeting promising to rid the world of terrorists that go bump in the night.
“The world looks to us as an example.” Obama continued, after setting the table back up. “Look at our health care system, our economy or our professional football teams. If there’s any country that should have a say in what goes on in another, it’s us.”
Obama then went on to list all of the times that US intervention had resulted in a stable, peaceful system of government. Two minutes of awkward silence later, he insisted that the new campaign would involve a number of new strategies.
“For example?” asked Kroft.
“Well, now every bomb we drop has been outfitted to play the national anthem during descent,” answered President Obama. “Also, using the most cutting-edge technology, we can map out all of the places we’ve bombed in the last two decades. This war will finally allow us to connect the dots. In a few years, we’ll have ‘USA’ spelled in craters across the ENTIRE Middle East.”
Obama then put a hand over his heart and shouted the Pledge of Allegiance at the top of his lungs as an enormous Abrams tank painted red, white and blue crashed through the studio wall. Obama climbed onto the tank as advanced and stretched out his arm. A bald eagle promptly landed on it. As the camera men and women ran screaming out of the way of the advancing tank, Obama could be heard yelling, “THIS IS HOW WE ROLL!”