It’s not on the level of the soundtrack of “Dracula: Dead And Loving It,” but then again, what is?
As a first-rate music critic for a first-rate online publication, I find that careful research is an essential component to my craft. So, naturally, when I received a copy of STAGE FOUR’s album, “Love Finds Peter Plogojowitz,” my first instinct was to look up the essential information. No, not the band’s bio. No, not their musical influences. I wanted the critical element for this album: who the hell is Peter Plogojowitz?
It turns out, old Pete was a Serbian peasant who kicked the bucket sometime in the early 18th century, then was rumored to have been a vampire. Several people claimed on their deathbeds to have been throttled by him posthumously, and his widow got the hell out of Dodge after she claimed he visited her and asked her for her shoes. Apparently, he was a vampire who didn’t believe in biting necks and was into retifism.
This Scooby-Doo-esque mystery solved, I looked over the track listing. Apart from the title track, I also came across “Bleeder” and “I Will Never Die.” Uh oh. Is this some dark, brooding goth band? Will I be listening to some guy who sounds like Cookie Monster, screaming about death and darkness?
Thankfully, this was not the case.
The album started off somewhat mellow and smooth. You know, kind of like Rutger Hauer in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Except without the cheesy mustache. As we progressed towards the middle, tracks like “SuperSizeU” and “I Will Never Die” gave the album more of a more modern, upbeat, ass-kicking feel, like Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. And on the back end, it was eerily reminiscent of Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires… err, wait. Sorry. Wrong movie collection.
It’s actually a little tough to put a genre label on this album; basically, it’s a variety of styles tossed in a blender. The vocals can range from Jeff Buckley-esque to Adam Levine-ish to pseudo-David Bowie. At times, there were simple acoustic melodies; at others, you had heavily synthesized sounds—I’d say strains of ambient music, but I’m no raver, so I couldn’t say for sure. It wasn’t your typical “vampire dance club mix” from Blade, at any rate. All in all, it won’t make you regret the money you spend on it, unlike that ticket to see Van Helsing.
Song you should pay $1 for on iTunes, rather than downloading for free: “SuperSizeU.” Once this song sinks its teeth into you (c’mon, you had to know that was coming at some point), it doesn’t let go. Not only is the sound infectious, the lyrics carry a good social message. In fact, it should be the soundtrack for that “America’s Next Top Model” show. Somebody call the producers and get them on the phone (if they can pull their heads out of their asses long enough).
Rating: Three and a half stakes.
