Our asinine political analysis breaks down Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.


Name: Bernie Sanders

Nickname: Star Flower

Political Affiliation: Democratic Party

Status: Active

Known For: U.S. Representative 1991 – 2007, U.S. Senator 2007 – Present, That Cranky Old Jewish Man That Yells At Me on TV

Likes: Single-Payer Health Care, Civil Rights, The Working Class, Simon and Garfunkel, Yelling

Dislikes: The 1%, The Federal Reserve, Hair Gel, Those Damn Kids That Keep Running On My Lawn

Public Outlook: Bernie Sanders seems to be the yin to Donald Trump’s yang in terms of toeing their parties’ lines. While it is widely believed that the Democratic Party is more centrist than left-leaning liberal these days, Bernie Sanders is laying down on the left side as a Democratic Socialist. It remains to be seen if the public will allow that term to drag us back to the McCarthy era or allow the real left to take a crack at this presidential gig.

Pros: America can continue showing that it’s really not racist by electing a Jewish man after a black man. Then we can work on getting a lesbian into the White House. After that, who knows? Maybe a straight woman.

Cons: It’s been over 60 years, and Bernie still hasn’t gotten rid of that Brooklyn accent. Foreign leaders will have to learn a whole other language, New Yawkian, which the rest of America is still having trouble with.

Quote: “We’re going to have to do something that’s pretty hard. Pretty, pretty, pretty hard, to quote Larry David.”

Check out all of the 2016 presidential candidates by clicking here.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.