SPECTRE HQ, Location Unknown— With rumors circulating about the mysterious disappearance of the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 plane that span from tragic accident to terrorist plot, one plausible voice has risen to take credit for the plane seeming to vanish from existence: Ernst Stavro Blofeld II.

In 1967, the criminal organization known as SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) was involved in the hijacking of both US and Soviet space shuttles orbiting Earth. From a secret base in a volcano located in Japan, SPECTRE, headed by Ernst Stavro Blofeld Sr., launched a radio-controlled “Shuttle-Eater” which would capture targeted space shuttles and proceed to bring them back to the SPECTRE base.

“It was really a marvel in technology,” stated retired MI6 agent Q. “It opened like a giant, rocket-propelled Pac-Man and gobbled up the target. Much more sophisticated than an exploding pen, I can tell you that.”

While the late Ernst Stavro Blofeld Sr.’s capabilities are considered sophisticated, his son’s are a little less adequate. In a global press release that featured SPECTRE’s updated letterhead that includes “new and totally evil improved,”, Ernst Stavro Blofeld II explained that he hijacked the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 plane using a giant paper bag hoisted by fifty Black Hawk helicopters, and demanded “$500 gajillion in gold bullion” for its safe return.

“We have accomplished two of the functions that the name SPECTRE embodies: terror and extortion,” stated Blofeld II in a televised press conference. “If our demands are not met within seven days, we shall ruthlessly apply the third: specialness!” After deliberating with his colleagues, he corrected himself. “I mean, revenge!”

Presently, personnel in multiple countries are in the process of procuring a new James Bond to defy the wishes of SPECTRE and Blofeld II, as it is unknown if Daniel Craig is available.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.