Washington, DC: In an interview with the New Yorker yesterday, President Obama officially denied that pot smoking is cooler than drinking beer. The President acknowledged his past use of the substance and the fact that it had made him feel like a rebel. “But, you know, everybody does it, basically. And no one really cares anymore. It’s like if you open a beer in public, no one’s gonna be that impressed.”
Pot-related businesses all over the country reacted sharply to the President’s assertion. Dweisel McMoon, CEO of the largest producer of rastafarian hats in the country, was quick to condemn the President. “If the President starts being okay with weed, we’re going to lose the angsty white teen market! We’ll be ruined!”
Already sales of hoodies with pot leaves on them have declined substantially. Many boardwalk businesses on both sides of the country have already closed their doors. A few have been replaced with Irish-themed pot dispensaries and vaguely Latin marijuana dance clubs.
The shock to pot culture has also extended to some of its top personalities. The sales of Willie Nelson and Snoop Lion mp3s have plummeted, while actors like Seth Rogan and James Franco have begun to rethink the release of their current project, codenamed “Seth and James Hang Out in Space or Something.”
Less well-known pot artists have begun to feel the sting as well. Pothead comedians have been receiving fewer opportunities. John McDee, a comedian particularly hard-hit by the decline in pot coolness, bemoaned the fate of his fellow funny potheads. “If pot is just like beer, then we’re basically just a bunch of alcoholics on stage. And all you have to do to see that is go to an open mic.”
The pot lobby reacted to the news by beginning to sponsor studies to prove how dangerous and rebellious potheads are. However, some of these studies have already met with failure, mainly due to shortages in their budget for Ho-Ho’s. High Times editor-in-chief going by the name “Sandman Heller” reached out to news outlets, insisting that potheads are still as dangerous as ever. “I’ve heard this story again and again. Parents send their kids to college, they get into weed and suddenly they’re eating organic and protesting the government,” explained Sandman Heller. “Some have even become philosophy majors.”
While most potheads are trading in their Buddhism beads and hemp pants, others have already moved on to new, more edgy drugs. Peter McDoob, a former pothead, is at the frontier of cool substances. “Dude, have you even seen Breaking Bad?” He spoke excitedly, “Meth is totally in this year.”