Chicago, IL: We here at the Inept Owl would like to apologize for our previous article, which may have insinuated somehow that Romney had won the 2012 election. We’re just trying to keep up with recent prediction trends without the use of any 3D touchscreens or full scale models of the US laid out on ice rinks. As a result, there might have been some suggestion on our part that Obama had lost. We apologize for that.
The results came in tonight that Barack Obama is our 2nd African American President, and the 1st African American president of Ohio. It was a difficult race in Ohio, and both candidates struggled to connect with the people. Bill McMaddy of Cleveland told us how Obama would invite himself over for dinner and drink all their chocolate milk. He even mentioned several instances when he woke up to find Obama had snuck into his bed. Things were just as intense with Romney, who kept stealing McMaddy’s dog and taking him out for walks. Walks, of course, meaning strapping him to the top of his campaign bus.
The results came in despite the best efforts of Republicans. There were several reports of voting machines with calibration errors that turned a vote for Obama into a vote for Romney, a vote for Marijuana legalization into registration onto the FBI watch list and a vote for abortion rights into a guy stepping out from behind the machine, slapping the voter in the face and changing their vote to “against”. These errors were corrected, probably.
Republicans reacted badly to the results, with Fox News throwing out every euphemism for losing before finally admitting not-victory. Some Republicans were not even as conciliatory as that. Donald Trump, one of Fox News’ most educated commentators, tweeted that the election was a travesty. This is criticism worth considering, as Trump is one of the foremost experts on travesties.
The victory also thwarted the best-laid plans of Democrats, who had spent four long years turning one of the most popular presidents into someone who could barely inch past a man whose campaign party filled an airport with private jets.
But despite their surprise, both parties rallied and went through the traditional dance of winner and loser. The traditional waiting until newscasters run out of topics to babble about. The traditional concession speech and family photo op. The traditional waiting until the networks start calling up their body language experts. The traditional acceptance speech.
Here, Obama really shined, reminding America what they have in their newly two-termed President: An awesome speechmaker. The real challenge for the second term will be how to transform speeches into some kind of renewable energy source, requiring only the input of spotlights, a few hundred American flags and a shitload of confetti. If Obama can somehow turn his speeches into jobs, he’ll have this term in the bag.