New York, NY: For 40 years, Dick Clark has been a staple of the New Year’s Eve celebration as his New Year’s Rockin Eve show played in a majority of East Coast homes in the United States as both a party backdrop and as a timer for the new year. Clark’s legacy seemed unending, almost immortal, as he survived American Bandstand, Pyramid, a lip-synch performance by Miami Sound Machine, and, finally, a stroke.
None of these detours seemed to derail Clark, save for missing the 2005 Rockin Eve and a few miscounts in the following years, however jokes have continually surfaced about Dick Clark’s age: in The Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror, we saw Clark’s skin melt to display a robot; Clark’s head found its way onto Futurama for yet another Rockin Eve.
Finally the truth came out during New Year’s Rockin Eve 2012, as footage of Ryan Seacrest showed that the perpetually 24 year old celebrity seemed to have aged at least 20 years since last year’s festivities. After seeing Dick Clark grace the screen for the countdown once again, wearing a beautiful shade of orange peel, rumors began to surface that the ageless Dick Clark had secretly begun sucking the life force out of Ryan Seacrest in the hope of, once again, prolonging his television career.
“There is so much evidence that points to Dick Clark being some sort of immortal warlock that can absorb the essence of those around him in order to continue living,” stated local magician and cult leader Francis Leuger. “Considering the fact that New Year’s Eve is annual, obviously, along with symbolism of the old man leaving and the baby entering, you would think that something supernatural would have to happen. Then you look at Dick Clark throughout the years, and you almost know something isn’t quite right.”
Local science fiction geek Brian Hemmington agreed. “Normal life-siphoning techniques are a gradual talent that seems to piggyback the victim’s normal aging,” explained Hemmington. “Unfortunately, these past few years have used a candidate that hasn’t seemed to age himself: Ryan Seacrest. It was a mistake by Clark’s master-sacrifice coordinator to replace Peter Jennings with Ryan Seacrest from the beginning.”
Other conspiracy theorists aren’t so sure.
“I’d bet money that Dick Clark’s dark magic handlers are looking to finally replace him with a new harbinger of the new year,” stated local window-washer Clint Brennan. “They finally found someone who can stay ageless for another 40 years with Ryan Seacrest.”
When asked why Seacrest would have aged 20 years since last year if was to be Dick Clark’s ageless replacement, Brennan answered, “Maybe they were a little indecisive.”
Both Seacrest and Clark’s make-up artists were unavailable for comment.