At a press release in Berea, Dr. Jim Foxentrot, head of the Christmas and Related Events of Yule branch of the Benevolent League of Winter Scientists (CAREY-BLOWS) revealed a glimpse of the rare beast to the public. “We would like to present the rarest of all discoveries made to date, an individual far more unusual than the straight Lady Gaga fan or the non-tone-deaf American Idol watcher. This is a man who, since 1994, has managed to avoid ever hearing Mariah Carey perform a Christmas tune. We believe he may be the only person on the planet to be able to make that statement.”
The man, Fred Gupperpants, is a 53-year-old plumber who still lives with his parents in Berea. Scientists believe that his proximity to his parents, who are well into their 70s, may have had a protective influence on Gupperpants; the senior Gupperpantses listen exclusively to recordings of Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, and Elvis Presley at the holidays. Fred’s unique state is also partially due to the fact that he was in a coma from 1999 to 2005 after an unfortunate incident related to having to remove a Yule log from a toilet.
Scientists discovered the unique man after a Youtube surfaced in which Mr. Gupperpants in filmed making the statement, “Oh, that ‘All I Want For Christmas is You’ song? Yeah, I kinda like it.” Overnight, the video became an internet hit, garnering nearly as many views as the “Bigfoot or my dad in a fur coat?” video or the “I doctored Obama’s birth certificate” video. Upon further study involving a lie detector and a battery of psychological tests to verify that the subject was not in fact a sociopath, it was revealed that Mr. Gupperpants’ enjoyment of the tune was genuine because he had in fact never heard the Carey version.
Carey herself has become known as the unofficial voice of Christmas, following her release of two Christmas albums. Her first record, 1994’s oddly-titled “Merry Christmas,” sold approximately thirteen bazillion copies. Her second album, “Merry Christmas II You,” released in 2010, sold nearly one-bazillionth as many copies (critics believe this was because she basically repackaged the same songs twice). Her tunes receive a proportion of radio airtime nearly equal to conspiracy theorists on the Rush Limbaugh show, or strippers on the Howard Stern show.
Scientists are planning a battery of tests for Mr. Gupperpants, in order to measure the impact of first being exposed to Mariah Carey tunes. The tests involve a series of brain scans while the subject listens not only to Mariah Carey, but also Kenny G and Justin Bieber holiday music. However, critics within the scientific community have decried this as bordering upon torture, indicating that nobody should ever be subjecting to what they call “the most unholy trinity of Christmas music.”
In the meantime, Mr. Gupperpants is considering using his newfound fame to release his own holiday album; it is tentatively titled “If Your Name Isn’t Vince Guaraldi, You Shouldn’t Make Christmas Music.”