New York, NY: The accusations about presidential candidate Herman Cain have finally gone public, and it seems that the hopeful Republican may not be able to come out of this political scandal unscathed. Cain’s activities have put the GOP at odds with itself, while at the same time allowing Democrats to take jabs at the infrastructure of the Republican Party.
But no matter how it is spun, the fact remains that Herman Cain was a decision-making member of the NRA. Unfortunately, it is the wrong NRA to be a part of when campaigning under the umbrella of the Republican Party and its conservative views. Vocal conservative pundits have continued to gloss over how they use the term “NRA” when discussing Herman Cain, as they should.
The NRA that Herman Cain belonged to was not the NationaL Rifle Association. It was, in fact, the National Restaurant Association.
“It was a marketing ploy that backfired on us,” stated campaign officer Joshua Blount. “It was bad enough that Cain was promoting gun control at the state level. If we let it out that Cain was running around promoting food and not guns, he’d be laughed off of every debate platform. The pizza thing was bad enough.
At first, the Cain platform seemed to promote enticing Democrats with conservative leanings to hop the political fence, either to take votes away from the Democratic Party to make way for another Republican candidate or push for him to win outright. The NRA membership, however, seemed too lame for even the softest of liberals.
“I don’t promote war, but we need a president that can speak with foreign diplomats and negotiate for peace,” stated local liberal Jeanine Ingersol. “We don’t need a president bashing another country’s food service. They’d take us over in a second, and laugh the whole time.”
When asked who “they” were, Miss Ingersol replied, “Take your pick. We’d officially be the biggest pussy of a country. Even France would take a piece.”
While pizza-rater turned presidential candidate Herman Cain may have taken a blow to his legitimacy, all is not lost, as campaign advisers have already begun damage control in order to de-pussify Cain.
“Restaurant dealings are some of the least manly activities in the country, overtaken only by cross-dressing and shaving your chest,” explain Joshua Blount. “Hitting on women is one of the more manly activities. So, we introduced Sharon Bialek.”
After the public accusation of Herman Cain’s lewd behavior by Sharon Bialek, polls dropped 10% for the night before rising 300% this morning.