London, ENGLAND: Ideas have run rampant as to British singer/songwriter/rehab-jumper/addict Amy Winehouse’s cause of death. Some infer that drugs and/or alcohol and/or household cleaners may have been involved. Others believe that her body may have given out due to malnutrition. Some say it could have been suicide in correlation to a century-old cult that cries for the sacrifice of 27 year old musicians so that they can eat their souls.
While the cause of death still has not been released, the most pinpoint speculation has arisen through how Amy Winehouse definitely did not perish:
1) Amy Winehouse Did Not Die of Burns Endured While Saving A Child from a Burning Building
It is believed that Winehouse could barely lift a vial of heroin and a needle at the same time. The idea that she could strap on 40 pounds of fire-fighting equipment and carry a 60 pound child defies the laws of physics.
2) Amy Winehouse Did Not Die in an Attempt to Defuse A Bomb in Oslo, Norway
While drug use does lead to users attempting strange things beyond their means, the idea that Amy Winehouse would be allowed anywhere near a government institution is highly unlikely.
3) Amy Winehouse Did Not Die Due to Heart Complications after Swimming Across the English Channel
While heavy cocaine use can lead to short spells of high level adrenaline rushes, it is almost impossible for Amy Winehouse to have had heart failure after such an activity. The reality is she never would have made it across to begin with unless she was followed by a helicopter that continually dropped an air mist of the drug.
4) Amy Winehouse Did Not Die While Training to Become A Time Traveller so that She Could Stop the New Kids on the Block Reunion from Ever Happening
Unfortunately.
5) Amy Winehouse Did Not Die in an Erotic Asphyxiation Incident where She was Choked to Death by Jimmy Fallon
This was immediately seen as ridiculous, as it is fact that Jimmy Fallon could never stop giggling long enough to get a firm grip on someone’s throat.
(Authorities are retaining Rick Bernardo, as well as 5 billion other fans, as it is believed that they may know too much without being a part of the cause pre-mortem)