Palo Alto, CA: This past week, Facebook figurehead Mark Zuckerberg released information regarding his latest eating habits, receiving praise from some, disgust from others, and amusement from everyone.

The habits have to do with his consumption of meat. In an Interview with Fortune magazine, Zuckerberg explained that he will only eat meat that he has killed himself. He allegedly attributes this principle to levelling the playing field of human beings in the predatory sense. It was believed that Zuckerberg would become malnourished due to a diet of bugs and clams, but Zuckerberg claimed to have killed pigs, goats, and chickens, and had speared at least three dolphins.

“It’s a cultural characteristic for men to take pride in their food by killing it themselves,” explained anthropologist Dr. Hubert Braff. “Ted Nugent has been doing it for what seems like a century, and even less able hunters like former Vice-President Dick Cheney have given it a shot. Supposedly, the meat just tastes better.”

Speculation has arisen over how Zuckerberg can fulfill his personal obligation while travelling all over the world. The easiest answer would be that Zuckerberg owns, or has an agreetment with, a farm close to his home in Palo Alto, California. “The farm idea would be the logical explanation. The idea of freezing meat for travel in case he gets hungry for meat would also be logical,” explained Federal Agent Brian McDaniels. “But we’re not in the business of logic when it comes to a worldwide killing spree.”

Agent McDaniels is part of the national leg of an investigation into widespread animal mutilations and unsolved murders. With the release of his nutritional tendencies, Mark Zuckerberg has become suspect in over 200 million murders and almost 1 billion animal mutilations and poaching dating back to when he was able to walk, around 1985. Most notably, Zuckerberg was taken in for questioning about the recent bodies found on the shores of Long Island, New York.

“If you have the taste for meat, why would you want to deprive yourself of freshness by freezing meat for travel?” explained Agent McDaniels. “The idea that Zuckerberg has been systematically hunting humans and other animals in a blood-soaked killing spree is much more plausible. I’ve watch Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal at least three times each in order to understand this behavior, and Zuckerberg fits the bill.”

Animal mutilations and poaching are not quite as focused upon, but it is believed that the trend may have inspired Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, as Forks, Washington is located a mere 15 hours north of Palo Alto, California. Whether or not Mark Zuckerberg is actually a vampire has not been discussed as of yet.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.