Oakland, CA: With all the jokes about The Rapture, raptors, and everything else that didn’t happen on May 21, 2011, it wouldn’t be surprising to hear that Harold Camping, the man who prophetized the End of Days twice and was allegedly wrong twice, went off into the deserts of Arizona to hide in a cave until his last breath.

What is surprising is that he did not. Instead, Harold Camping has shown that he may have been right all along by catching the deadly virus Solanum and becoming a living, non-breathing zombie, which could very well mark that The Rapture had indeed come and gone and taken up no-one of any importance.

“The idea of the dead walking the earth has been a sign of the Apocalypse since the beginning of human language,” explained Pastor John McIntyre. “Sure, you could say that Camping figured out a way to do this to himself, but the only logical explanation of Camping succeeding would be by heavenly intervention. Let’s face it, Harold has never been very good at math, and science goes hand in hand with math.”

The Rapture has always been explained as the beginning of the end of the world, not exactly the end of the world. Most alarming to this idea is not that no-one was carried up to the heavens, but the possibility that one group actually did.

“Yeah, I saw it,” stated local meathead Ryan Kowalski. “It was around 3:00pm on Saturday. I saw the entire cast and crew of It’s Always Sunny in Philadephia shooting a scene in the street, and all of a sudden the sky was clear of clouds, the sun became blinding, and Danny DeVito started floating up into the sky with his pants down, with the rest of them following. It was insane!”

Why only this select group of individuals would be the chosen people that would gain entrance to heaven is unknown. “Maybe God actually has a sense of humor,” stated Kowalski.

Attempts to interview Harold Camping on the aftermath of his May Rapture proved confusing, as Camping would only answer with grunts and groans when asked to expound on his predictions. He was later found devouring four of the reporters sent in to question him, using their entrails to spell out the numbers 10-21-2011.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.