New York, NY – Every March 17th, the city of New York scrubs its sidewalks, blockades its side streets, replaces its water with Guinness, and allows its elite members to parade down the streets draped in green and giant fuzzy hats as they puke and/or vomit on everything and everyone they come into contact with. It is a celebration so rewarding, that surrounding cities schedule their own days of debauchery around it, making March a month-long party.
Unfortunately, someone always has to take things too far and spoil the fun for everyone. This year, 23 year old Manhattan resident Stacey Fueller was the culprit. At about 1:45pm, Miss Fueller was found by police engaged in one of the most explicitly vulgar activities the holiday had ever been a part of, an act so heinous that society could forever be changed: Miss Fueller was found absolutely sober in the afternoon of St. Patrick’s Day.
Police were called to a pub on 44th Street during the St. Patrick’s Day parade up 5th Avenue by 32 year old alcoholic Timothy O’Leary. “I jus gotton oua da bafrum frum puing mah fuggin gussout, n I see thus chuck stannin ther all pruper n strut, driggen a glass of waer en speakin ull grammericly curruct. Is a fuggin crime en shut! Uf curse I culled da cups!”
While it was unclear what, exactly, Mr. O’Leary had stated, it seems clear that he was very unhappy to find Miss Fueller sober at the bar he was in attendance at, and promptly called the police. Upon arriving at the scene, officers attempted to ease the sober woman’s anxiety by screaming at her and thrusting bottles of liquor at her in the hopes that she would become intoxicated enough to stay at the bar without the need for an arrest.
Unfortunately, Miss Fueller made the mistake of being able to calmly ask for a glass of water, forcing the officers on the scene to subdue her with brutal force.
“It’s scary,” explained a slightly inebriated Nancy Shellington, Stacy’s designated drinker at the time. “One minute everyone’s stumbling around, breaking glasses and having a good time, and then, all of a sudden, Stacy’s standing there complaining that there’s puke on the floor. I seriously thought she was going to kill someone.”
“I just don’t get why someone would get that blazing sober and ruin the fun for everyone,” stated the bartender, Trent Gaffner. “Sure, I tried slow her down by spiking her water with Everclear, but she must have put those glasses down somewhere.”
Due to her altercation, Miss Fueller may be mandated in court to serve 30 hours of community service at a local college fraternity in the hopes that this anti-social sober behavior is only a short phase of her life.