Washington, DC: The safety of internets everywhere is set to be decided today, as the Federal Communications Commission of the United States will be voting on the latest bill regarding net neutrality.
For years, there has been a fear that internet providers, from dial-up servers to mobile carriers, would use censorship tactics in order to stifle information that they did not agree with, bar competing companies and investors from their bandwidth and, most importantly, get rid of our porn.
The bill, proposed by F.C.C. chairman Julius Genachowski, is expected to be backed by the Democratic commissioners and opposed by the Republican commissioners, making this not only a fight for freedom of speech, freedom of commerce, and freedom of porn, but also the first major line in the sand stand-off between the political parties since the vote in November. Discarding the fact that House seats would not be claimed by Republicans until January, this may be the showcase of politics for the next 2 years.
However, more important than political filibustering is the safety of the internet. “[This is] an important step in preventing abuses and continuing to advance the Internet as an engine of productivity growth and innovation,” stated President Obama.
Political analyst Harvey Masterson agrees. “This bill isn’t exactly what we hoped for. Mobile carriers can still block us from most of our porn, and companies can still pay for premium broadband capabilities. But it is a huge step from September when the ruling was, ‘fuck the internet.’ We’re definitely headed in the right direction.”
Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken, disagrees. “Maybe you like Google Maps. Well, tough,” Senator Franken stated. “If the F.C.C. passes this weak rule, Verizon will be able to cut off access to the Google Maps app on your phone and force you to use their own mapping program, Verizon Navigator, even if it is not as good. And even if they charge money, when Google Maps is free.”
Vikings quarterback Brett Favre agreed. “What if I wanted to post that picture of my junk on Twitter, but Verizon had a competing application just like Twitter? I’d be screwed,” stated the aging quarterback before bursting into tears.
Patrick Emmel, editor of The Inept Owl, was even more revealing in public attitude towards net neutrality. “They’ve been regulating the internet? No wonder my porn takes so long to load.”
When it was mentioned that the former regulations could have been holding his site back from the public, Mr. Emmel answered, “Oh, yeah, that’s pretty important, too. But the porn…”