I’m watching this interesting show on the History Channel (yes, I’m a nerd) called “The President’s Book of Secrets”. It caught my attention because I remember the mention of a book of secrets from the movie National Treasure (yes, I have poor taste in movies.) Anyway, I figured the show was worth a few minutes during channel flipping.
I actually ended up watching most of it. I’ve got to say that terrorists must be pretty stupid. Part of
the show deals with what would happen if there was an attack on the country, or specifically on DC. The show basically points out all of the underground bunkers where the president might end up in order to set up a command center. Not only did they frame out exactly WHERE the bunkers are, they practically listed them in order of probability that the president and cabinet members would end up. One guy, chuckling, saying “I’m not supposed to be talking about this” basically went on to give the combination to every lock a terrorist would want to open, including the President’s luggage.
Terrorists really need to invest in cable TV. They probably only have basic. They’re probably
sitting around watching PBS, trying to watch a show and getting pissed off at all the “commercial” breaks when those telethon people ask for money. No wonder they’re so angry all the time. Those telethon people are ANNOYING.
Anyway, the show started talking about the presidential line of succession. Now, it’s been a lot of years since high school government class. (I’m not including college government classes, I know I had a few but I don’t remember actually going to any of them.) So I’m thinking, hey, I know the line of succession. (With the same confidence I had when somebody handed me a blank map of the US and asked me to fill in the names of all the states. Ehhhh….I won’t reveal how many I got correct. Let’s just say I’m good with the coasts. Well, specifically the East Coast. The North East Coast. I got New York RIGHT away.)
So I start thinking, Okay, President (2 points). Vice President (EASY PEASY!). Secretary of State (EEEHHHHH. WRONG!) This was not my fault. While they were talking about this on the show, they flashed a picture of Hillary. Um, that’s cheating, History Channel. Apparently, the Speaker of the House is next. (I knew that. 1 point. I should get 2 because of the History Channel’s extreme measure of trickery, but we’ll settle that later. Maybe I’ll make up a show about what a liar and trickster you are. Heh HC??? Heh? Yeah.)
Hmmmm. Next. Who would be next?
Thinking probably the Secretary of Defense? The Secretary of Homeland Security? Karl Rove?? (He scares me. He would probably scare the terrorists right out of the country. Wasn’t he in that “Super Size Me” movie?)
But no. None of those. Next in line is Secretary of the Treasury. Which I guess makes sense. Money is important. I can just picture the first 4 in line falling, and Timothy Geithner immediately running to Fort Knox and jumping into piles of gold like Scrooge McDuck.
Okay, so we have to protect the money. NOW should be a defense person, right?
No.
Next is the Attorney General. Okay, that also makes sense. I guess we could sue the pants off of the terrorists. I mean, they’re not going to be so scary running around without pants. They’re going to have to go home and get another pair, right? Makes sense.
Next in line is the Secretary of the Interior. I’ve always HEARD of this position, but for a long time (eh…still) thought this was the interior decorator for the White House and government buildings. He did a good job. He should be somewhere in line.
( I really should have gone to those college PolySci classes.)
The next one scares me. Next in line is the Secretary of Agriculture.
Um. WTF??? What on earth is the Secretary of Agriculture going to do? Throw some manure at them??? Build some corn fields for all of us to hide in??? Maybe he can build one of those giant shrub mazes and the terrorists will all go in and get completely lost. (Those things are SO cool. If I had a million dollars, I’d totally build one.)
Next: Secretary of Commerce (again with the money??), Secretary of Labor (would immediately all make everybody in the US put down the potato chips and get off the couch), Secretary of Health and Human Services (after the Secretary of Labor gets us all injured I guess we need somebody to get us better), Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (um….are we HOUSING the terrorists???), Secretary of Transportation (that bastard better have a good plan to get me out of the country), Secretary of Energy (sure, it’s probably the head of ConEd. Or Exon. Those guys are great at running big projects), Secretary of Education (I have visions of my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Owen. Yah, if I was a terrorist I’d be scared. That woman was EVIL. I ate a lot of glue. Just, you know, to spite her), Secretary of Veterans Affairs (let’s make sure all the left over WWII vets are involved in this thing)
And THEN the Secretary of Homeland Security. He/She is 18th in the succession line.
So, to recap. The person in charge of our national forests is number 9 in the succession line. 9 spots AHEAD of the position created after the 9/11 TERRORIST attacks, a position solely created in order to make sure terrorist attacks don’t happen again.
Who came up with this list, Ronald McDonald?
If the first 6 go down (or 5 if we can skip the Treasury guy), we’d better hope the next 11 go AWOL or something. Or are on a permanent vacation. If I’ve got to rely on the Secretary of Education to save my ass, I’m going to stop paying taxes.