My favorite stories of the week:
1) A woman under arrest in Florida for fighting in a taxi cab tells police “I’m too rich to go to jail.”
This is great. Apparently a very drunk young woman named Jessica Hincapie got into a fight with another cab
passenger as she was heading home from a country club. When she was arrested, she told the police that they were in big trouble because “her father paid cash for her Toyota Corolla and her brother was CSI.”
And of course, she’s from NYC.
First of all, I’m not sure that the fact that your father paid $8000 cash for your Toyota Corolla means you’re too rich to go to jail. People who pay cash for their Porsches or mansions are probably more the type that will not be heading to jail, mostly because they can pay for high priced lawyers. Hell, I could probably scrounge up $8000, and I’m pretty poor. In fact, I’d have a fundraiser to raise $8000 just to keep your dumb ass in jail.
Secondly, who gets into a fight in a taxi cab??? I mean, you punch the person, and he/she is right there to punch you back. You’re in a moving vehicle. It’s not like you can sneak attack punch and run away really quickly (which is my tried and true method). You punch them, turn to run, and then smack into the door. And seeing as how there’s somebody else driving the car, they can drive you straight to the police station.
I rue the day your parents gave you my name. I’m working on my “Pancake Breakfast to keep Idiots in Jail” fundraiser.
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2) Traffic halted by roaming wolf pack
I can’t actually comment on this story, because it’s a video. I’m at work, and I’m blocked from viewing any streaming media. 
I’ve got to say, there’s nothing quite so upsetting as trying to click on a news story link and finding out that it’s actually a video. Maybe the only thing that comes close to it is coming downstairs Christmas morning and finding out that your dog ate all of your Christmas presents and your mother ran off with Santa Claus. Why can’t they just let us READ stories? I know how to read, I’ve been doing it for years. I hate videos. My laptop is so outdated I practically have to use a crank to give it power. And obviously, I can’t look at any videos at work.
I just wanted to put this article (video, GAH) in here because it makes me curious. Traffic HALTED by roaming wolf pack? If I was in a car and a wolf pack started roaming around my car, I’d start driving like a bat out of hell that was being chased by A WOLF PACK. In fact, I’d drive right through the wolf pack because, at the end of the day, I’d rather deal with a few dents in my fender than end up as wolf pack dinner. I’m not sure what they eat out there in the wild, but I’m pretty sure they’d settle for a Jessica sandwich.
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3) Newsweek gives 5 signs you’re heading for bankruptcy
Ah, the inevitable bankruptcy story, nicely timed right before the holidays. Thanks, Newsweek, for reminding all of us that we’re about to start maxing out our credit cards. If you need 5 signs that you’re heading for bankruptcy, you’re an idiot. Here’s one sign: you have no money. If you’re spending money you don’t have, you’re probably heading towards (or have already achieved) bankruptcy. Congratulations.
Their signs:
*You have no health insurance – I don’t agree with this one. In fact, I’m thinking about cancelling my health insurance. I’m in relatively good health. I try to eat well, I exercise, and I have access to WebMD. You wouldn’t believe how helpful that website is. Last month I self-diagnosed myself with alzheimers after I spent 2 hours fruitlessly searching for my keys. After I found them, I deemed myself cured. Who needs a doctor with genius tools like this out there? I’ve currently self-diagnosed myself with boredom, which I think will be cured around 5pm Friday.
*You abuse a home line of equity – Yeah, that sounds about right. If you’re getting a home line of equity to pay for karate lessons or an inground pool, you deserve bankruptcy. You also deserve to open a package from the Unibomber and then get run over by a truck filled with man-eating sharks.
*Co-signing loans – If you’ve co-signed a loan for somebody who has no money, and no way of paying you back, I have this African prince to introduce you to. He’s trapped in Africa because they took away all of his money, and he only needs a couple thousand from you to escape to America. Once you send him the money (he only accepts cashier’s checks), he will escape to America and share his millions with you. Oh, and he owns a bridge downtown that he’s looking to sell. Trust me, it’s a steal.
*You’re using credit cards to pay for critical items like food or dog food – ….Crap.
*Living paycheck to paycheck– HA! HAHAHA! I have $127 in my saving account.
Now I’m really depressed.
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And the number one best story of the week:
4) Man runs onto field during Yankee/Rangers game three, threatens A-Rod because of love for Cameron Diaz.
I don’t even know where to start with this one. 
A 33 year old man named Grim LeRogue, formerly known as Joe Rogan, ran onto the field during the fifth inning of the ALCS game on Tuesday, carrying pictures of Cameron Diaz and A-Rod. Scribbled across the picture of A-Rod was the words, “You have to go bud, you’ve ruined too many of our white queens.” The picture of Diaz said, “We will be together soon.”
I understand the frustration of having a common name like Joe. I had about 18 Jessicas in my classes growing up. It was really frustrating because someone would say “Jessica”, and I’d answer “Yes??”, and the person would stare at me and say “No, the cool Jessica.”
But to change your name to Grim is a little, uh, excessive?
Moving on, I think a lot of Yankee fans will agree with Grim’s first statement on A-Rod’s picture. Sometimes we all wish he’d just get out of town. Not necessarily because he’s ruined white queens, but mostly because he’s inconsistent and kind of an ass. Also, he bobbled a ball that would have gotten us out of the 3rd inning. Instead, we ended up getting sacked for a couple of runs. Seriously, at that point I really wanted to take a bat to that melon of his. But not because he dates stick figure white women.
And apparently this Grim character also has a little soft spot in his heart for Osama Bin Laden, calling him his “master”. The best part? When captured, he was also carrying pictures of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. The picture of Houston said, “You will soon be my master’s wife.” The picture of Brown said he “needed to be terminated.”
Again, I kinda agree. Bobby Brown is a waste of space. If I ever run into him at an Olive Garden, he’s going to get a piece of my mind. But can you imagine Bin Laden sitting around in the bathroom with Whitney Houston while she smokes her crack pipe and asks him to pick s#@t out of her butt?? I really think instead of capturing and/or killing Bin Laden, we should totally send him Whitney. After a week or so he’ll probably hang himself.
Newspapers contacted Grim’s mother, who said her son has written a 700 page novel about a ninja or something, and apparently he pulled this stunt to get publicity for it.
I really have nothing to add, except that this guy needs his own reality tv show. I really can’t wait for the ninja book to come out. (I love ninjas.)