New York, NY: National Breast Cancer Awareness Month has been in full swing as thousands of people, both survivors and supporters alike, have walked, run, and even swam thousands of miles each weekend to raise money for breast cancer education, prevention, examination, and treatment.
The participants are primarily made up of women, due to the fact that they have real breasts and therefore are at the most risk, but one group of New Yorkers are pushing to change the ratio. Led by New York native Paul Emmerlan, all-male walk team “We Luv Boobies” has joined the fight against breast cancer amid skepticism and confusion.
“I think of it like this: I love women’s breasts. I can’t think of anyone that doesn’t! Gay, straight, everyone notices a nice pair of gazongas,” explained Mr. Emmerlan. ” If there’s a disease that is going to take those titties away from me, you’re damn right I’m going to do everything in my power to prevent it.”
Mr. Emmerlan’s dedication to the safety of boobs everywhere began when he learned that “Married With Children” heart-throb Christina Applegate was stricken with breast cancer, and had to go through a double mastectomy for treatment. “I’ve wanted to see her naked ever since I was 9. Now, I can’t. Damn you, breast cancer! Damn you to hell!” stated Emmerlan.
Mr. Emmerlan is not alone on his pro-funbag team. Among other breast supporters, Vince Cottingham, a staple in the sleazier areas of Manhattan, joined Paul the moment he explained what breast cancer could do to a woman. “I go to strip clubs at least three times a week. Why? Titties, of course. So when I heard about breast cancer, all I could think about is how horrible the world would be without breasts. No Victoria’s Secret, no sun-dresses…it’s a world that I don’t want to live in. I had to do something.”
At first, Mr. Cottingham merely donated a week’s worth of lap-dances and strip shows, which amounted to around $3000. But when Emmerlan explained that Vince could raise money and walk to show his support of major boobage, he jumped at the chance.
One breast cancer survivor, Caroline Whitney, is appreciative of “We Luv Boobies”, however she is wary of the group’s expectations of the event. “Their dedication to the cause is fantastic, but it seems a little misguided. If they think this is going to be a Mardi Gras parade, they have another thing coming.”
When asked how she would interact with the team if she came across them, Mrs. Whitney answered, “I would probably just keep walking. Quickly, in the opposite direction.”
In celebration of the Avon walk, Paul Emmerlan and his cohorts were in discussions with musical goofballs The Bloodhound Gang in order to get the band to play their album “Hooray for Boobies” in its entirety at a post-walk gathering. Event organizers have barred such a plan, as well as the gang’s plan to walk surrounded by 25 Hooters waitresses.