My favorite news stories of the week:
$2 Million cut from New Jersey Tourism Budget
Apparently Governor Chris Christie has decided New Jersey is in a little bit of a finanacial bind and needs
to cut $2 million dollars from its tourism budget.
First of all, what kind of cruelty is it to name your kid Chris Christie? The guy sounds like a fairy who sprinkles pixie dust on you so you can go fly away to Never Never Land. I remember in elementary school I had a kid in my class named Thomas Thompson, and he used to get the crap beaten out of him all the time on the playground. By GIRLS. I hope at some point old Tommy changed it to something a little less ridiculous. So he actually had a chance of getting laid at some point in his life.
Secondly, New Jersey has a tourism budget? Who’s vacationing in New Jersey? I remember when I was 10, my family took a trip to New York City. My dad had a conference of sorts in Trenton, NJ, so my mom, brother and sister and I spent the day touring Trenton. And by touring I mean we sat outside a building and complained about the smell. It smelled like a combination of farts you get after eating too many lima beans and the garbage that your dog tore into that is now spread all over the lawn in the middle of 100 degree summer weather.
I think New Jersey should just give in and join up with Pennsylvania. Maybe some of Pennsylvania’s Amish people can clean up that whole situation. Somebody needs to step in here, the entire state is a polluted NIGHTMARE. I feel sorry for anybody who’s vacationing there. Good luck not coming home with a new arm growing out of your back or a third eye popping up somewhere.
(Unless it pops up in the middle of your forehead. Because that would be kinda cool.)
New Jersey school serves up cheese sandwich punishment
New Jersey seems to be the butt of my jokes today. It’s just so easy to make fun of it, I sometimes feel guilty. It’s like the kid in your elementary school who barfed in class on a regular basis. You didn’t
understand what was wrong with that kid and why nobody could fix the problem, but it was pretty funny when it happened. As long as you were viewing the whole mess from a good distance away.
The lunch ladies at this particular school served only cheese sandwiches Wednesday and Thursday as punishment for a food fight.
This is punishment? Cheese sandwiches? Anybody who knows me knows I’m a cheese FREAK. I could eat cheese 3 meals a day, 365 days a year. I wouldn’t because I’m not sure I’d be so pleasant looking or smelling, I’d probably have to go live in New Jersey, but that doesn’t mean I’m not always scouring the internet for “cheese only” diets. As of yet, I haven’t found anything. If anybody hears of one, drop me a line.
If you want to punish kids in school via their lunch hour, feed them vegetables. Like brussel sprouts or broccoli. Or threaten to take away “taco day” for a year. I guarantee you’ll have perfect angels after one meal.
Mmmmmn.. taco day.
Cases of expired beer that was left at a landfill were too hard for workers to resist taking
In a small town in Montana, sanitation workers found 700 cases of beer in their landfill. A distillery had
thrown 1700 cases out because they were expired. 1000 were destroyed and 700 remained sealed and sitting out among the rest of the garbage. The workers used their vehicles to cart way 50 of the cases, and word of the aquisition spread by the following week. Police are still trying to decide if this is a matter of theft or just a policy violation.
Whoa. Where to start. Beer expires??? Who knew? I mean, I guess I don’t have it in my fridge long enough for it to have a chance to expire. I’ve had some skunk beer before, but I figured that’s because it was ass cheap. Beer we’d have in college, like Schlitz. Or Beast lite ice. I never understood where the “ice” part came into play. When I first tried it I figured it would always be cold no matter what I did with it. I quickly came to realize that was not the truth after leaving a case outside in the sun for a couple of hours. Damn those people and their false advertising!
If sanitation workers want to take garbage beer from a landfill, I don’t really see what the problem is. I mean, they’ll probably recycle the bottles, right? Which cuts down on garbage in the landfill and promotes a cleaner environment. This all makes sense to me. I need to write these people a strongly worded letter, and maybe they’ll send me a case of landfill beer in gratitude. But if it’s Schlitz I’m SO not drinking it. I got my fill of that crap by age 25.
Hotel guest finds python in toilet
Holy crap Batman! Or should I say, Holy PYTHON! I’m not sure what I’d do if I found a python in my
toilet. I mean, if I had to go really badly, there’d be some serious deliberation going on there. I think my reaction would be to scream, beat it with the toilet brush, and then scream some more. Screaming is usually what I resort to when stuff like this happens. I found a cockroach in my office kitchen the other day and I screamed for about a minute and then threw some binders at it. I’m not the best person to handle situations like this, and cockroaches are about 1/100th of the size of a python. Also, cockroaches won’t bite you in the ass if you’re sitting on a toilet while it’s taking a swim in there. At least I don’t think they will.
Anyway, the hotel says that pythons aren’t typically found in the wild, so this must have been a pet that somebody flushed down the drain.
Who flushes their pet PYTHON down the toilet? Who actually HAS a pet python?? And pythons aren’t found in the wild? Where on earth do zoos find them? In toilets? This is confusing. And scary.
I also read a story the other day about two guys who got into a fight at a hotel and one hit the other one in the face with a giant snake.
What the hell is going on in hotels these days? Somebody needs to do some research on this. Preferably before I have to stay at a Holiday Inn.
Astronauts in space can’t escape government taxes 8 American astronauts who are currently docked at the Space Station come April 15 are still required to file
income tax returns.
Sigh. This ruins all my plans of hijacking a space shuttle and learning how to fly it so I can evade filling tax returns next year. I mean, where are we safe from the government? Mars? Deep space? What if I get up there and REFUSE to file? Is the IRS going to get their own shuttle and fly up and fine me? That would be just my luck. I’d be floating around, enjoying my morning coffee, and there’d be a knock on the Space Station door. And it would be Tim Geithner. And he would not have his happy face on.
Then again, neither would I.
Happy Friday kids. Hope you all got your taxes filed.