Ah Monday. My favorite news stories of the week:
1) Grasshopper invasion feared this summer
Watch out for your picnic baskets, folks. There’s going to be a grasshopper invasion in a few months. MSNBC reports that grasshoppers have taken over towns in Wyoming, eating clothes off clothes lines, and covering highways. The government did a study last fall and found unusually high numbers of adult grasshoppers in the northwestern states.
This disturbs me on so many levels. First of all, we can’t get a national health care bill passed, but some
genius in the White House administration decided a study on GRASSHOPPERS would be fruitful? Isn’t the deficit at like 8 billion dollars right now? (Grasshoppers? My taxes went to a grasshopper study? Dude, give me my money back and I’ll go check this shit out myself.)
Secondly, is Wyoming even a state anymore? Can anybody name the capitol of Wyoming? Where IS Wyoming? If there really is an infestation, I say we immediately annex them and sell them to Canada for some beads. And shhhhhh about the whole grasshopper thing.
Third of all, I just watched “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. I want that two hours of my life back. Keanu Reeves was perfect for that role, because he can’t act, and his portrayal of an alien is EXACTLY what I always imagined aliens to be. Poor representations of washed up actors. The scenes where the metal locusts eat Giants Stadium (aka The Meadowlands) is awesome. If that’s what this grasshopper thing is going to turn into, we should let them loose in all of New Jersey.
(Wasn’t there supposed to be a pack of killer bees headed our way? I remember something about this in the news years ago. Where are those cats?)
2) Dog that bit police car must attend obedience school
There’s a pit bull in Tennessee that attacked a police car. Not a police OFFICER. A car. It tore off the bumper and ate some of the tires. A judge decreed the dog had been very naughty, and now it has to go to obedience school and wear a tag that says it’s “potentially dangerous”.
Potentially? This dog ATE A CAR. Aren’t dogs supposed to attack rabbits and people and stuff? I’ve tried
teaching my dog, Fluffy, how to attack my doorman. Because my doorman is an asshole who makes opening the door for me seem like it’s a huge chore out of the scope of his job description.
(Hi. You’re a DOORman. You open the door. I didn’t choose this job for you, this was of your own volition.)
Anyway, this dog sounds like a canine version of “The Terminator”. I’m sure there are lots of people applauding his actions, but I just wonder: what does his owner feed him on a daily basis that metal bumpers and tires are attractive alternatives?
3) Pennsylvania man tries to revive dead opossum
I used to travel a lot for work, mostly to places that were far, far away. I’d end up on a 6am flight out of
NYC, which means I’d be heading to the airport around 4:15am. The car that would pick me up to take me to the airport would ALWAYS have 1010wins playing on the radio. (For those that don’t live in NYC, it’s the local news radio station that updates random crap you could care less about every 10 minutes. Hence the name.) These days, sans travel, if I’m up early in the morning I can actually hear the 1010wins jingle running through my head. I usually check out their website because they have a column called “Strange but True”. I love things like that, and I look forward to the column everyday, because it always is strange…but true.
Apparently a Pennsylvania man tried to revive a dead opossum.
Now, I’m all for animal rights. Save the whales, don’t eat tuna (yummy), save the puppies from the puppy mills, yada yada. But this guy went above and beyond the call of duty. Police found him giving the opossum mouth to mouth resuscitation. It would be superfluous to note that the man was drunk. It would be down right mean to reveal that the opossum had been dead FOR SOME TIME.
This happened around Punxsutawney, so I guess that explains a lot. Those people live their lives according to these small, furry creatures. Maybe this guy, in his inebriated state, thought it was Punxsutawney Phil and got really scared.
I’d let the bastard go, myself. I mean, how many times can he postpone warm weather? I say we bring in a new guy for this whole “6 more weeks” analysis thing. Maybe Al Roker. He’s pretty jolly and hopeful looking.