Beverly Hills, CA-As fires ravaged California this week, destroying millions of dollars worth of Cristal Champagne and Ferrari Enzos (thanks to MTV ‘Cribs’ for research material), all eyes turn to the State’s Governor, Arnold Squash-a-Knacker.
The Governor, known as ‘Squashy’ by his friends, was previously one of the biggest movie stars of his time, making his name in high octane action flicks such as Conan the complete and utter Bastard, The Defibrillator, and Going Commando, and was voted into the position by virtue of his ACTION MAN persona.
Arnie has consistently fought against this image, stating that he is in fact “an actor.” A clearly ridiculous 
concept.
So, as the eyes of California, and indeed the world, focused on this man (twin brother of diminutive film star Denny Devarto, and in fact, the world’s first pregnant man), we all expected something special, something, well, Arnie!
So, did he swoop in by helicopter, dousing the flames with his own sweat, or single-handedly take on the Taliban-ripping off their turbans to use as a fire-blanket? Well, no.
Instead the man-mountain, often criticized for being something of a self-publicist, issued the following statement : “The flames are out of control, in fact they are similar to the flames we use to grill burgers at my Planet Hollywood restaurants.”
Former partner in the burger-chain, one Jean-Claude Van-Damage, also tried to issue a press release, but unfortunately was shown to be incapable of stringing more than two words together at a time. Top linguists from around the world were then called in to try to translate the stream of drivel emitting from his mouth and now claim that the Belgian actually was trying to make some comment about how his buttocks are in fact harder than diamonds. Way to go Claude!
Fire investigators have now put the cause of the blaze down to a discarded cigar butt. DNA tests on saliva left on the cigar show that the culprit was of Austrian extraction.
Governor Scratch-a-Knacker was unavailable for comment as he was apparently arm-wrestling Vladimir Putin in an attempt to end the cold war.