Monkey Business

   I have never been fond of monkeys. As a matter of fact, I have thought of them as evil creatures ever since my childhood. They share a special place in my psyche with clowns, cats, and carnies. They just scare the piss out of me.

   So coming across stories that serve to compound this view never helps matters.

   The latest example that comes to mind has to be the tragic tale of Charla Nash who, while visiting a friend’s house, had her face and pretty much both hands bitten off by said friend’s “pet” chimpanzee. First of all, there is something wrong with anyone that keeps a creature that has the disposition of a mentally retarded, 200 pound child with the strength of five men as a PET! Yes, they may look cute in a diaper to some people, but they will grow into the grape ape eventually. Toss in the fact that this woman started feeding the creature Xanax pills, and you really have created a frighteningly out-of-control and unpredictable disaster waiting to happen. What the Hell was she thinking? The filthy creatures are goofy enough without turning them into junkies as well. At least most humans realize that they are irritable, moody, and a little uncomfortable because they have become addicted to a powerful sedative and they ran out last Thursday, but a chimpanzee only knows that he is pissed off and doesn’t feel as good as he did last Thursday.

   So as a result, this poor woman lost anything resembling a face, or a life for that matter. Charla Nash recently appeared on Oprah and the Today Show, revealing her physical appearance publicly for the first time since the attack. When she lifted the black veil that she keeps hanging from the front of her hat, I could barely stomach what I was looking at. The woman (who was actually quite attractive before the attack) now possesses what looks like a gigantic thumb for a head with a couple of round scars where eyes once sat, and her mouth is no more than a slit that runs horizontally from ear to ear, much like an eyeless muppet head.

   This leads me to my next dilemma. We have heard scientists and people like the “Gorillas in The Mist” lady tell us for years that monkeys are so similar to people and that only a few genes separate us. I ask, why not hold them accountable for their actions? Granted, in the case of the chimp that attacked Charla Nash while hopped up on Xanax, the police shot it dead on sight, but what about other cases?

   Apparently, the monkey is worshipped by the Hindus in India, and they have been terrorizing towns and villages. These would be “vampire monkeys.” There were actually 300 attacks by these nightmarish beasts on school children in a 3-week period.

   The mayor of New Delhi, SS Bajwa, 52, died after falling from his apartment window while fighting off a horde of wild Simian monkeys that had invaded his home.

   In Paris, youth gangs are now using Barbary apes as attack “dogs” to threaten and intimidate their rivals. The Barbary apes are known for their violent depositions and, everyone’s favorite monkey business, sh*t throwing.

   This leads me to a story that goes back a few years, involving a monkey who was indeed held accountable for his actions.

   My Uncle told me a story about an acquaintance of his that ran a bait and gun store, and while sitting in the gentleman’s office, he noticed a monkey’s head mounted to a plaque.

   “What in the Hell happened to his neck?” my uncle asked, laughing, as the head appeared to be cut off at the chin and had no neck at all.

   The store owner went into a story about how he was headed out to a meeting one evening, and was wearing his Sunday best. He also had a pet monkey that was kept in a cage when he was not in the office.

   Apparently, as most of the filthy creatures are famous for, the monkey decided that on this special occasion the man deserved to have a hand full of monkey sh*t tossed at him. Needless to say, this soiled his suit rather badly and he was a bit rattled by the event.

   With very little time to educate or deal with the creature’s rudeness issue, the gentleman merely reached into the cage and twisted its head around until it snapped. He was an avid taxidermist as well, so at a later time, he stuffed and mounted the head of the monkey to a wooden plaque and hung it on the wall of his office.

   I realize that there will be some animal rights people that will frown upon this tale, but I have no problem telling you it still makes me laugh- especially my uncle’s description of the thing on the plaque.

   I also enjoy the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is told by the zoo staff that the monkey that spit water on him was “an innocent primate,” and that he should appologize for doing the same to the monkey.

   “So am I,” Kramer replied.