Hollywood, CA: In a rare occurrence of celebrity gossip in the media, computerized voice/pop star Lady Gaga has been rumored to be a hermaphrodite. The rumor began to spread when, at the Glastonbury Festival, audience members perceived a slight bulge in the crotch of Miss Gaga’s blatantly visibly underwear.
Camera-phone photos from fans confirm that either:
A) Lady Gaga does have a penis or uncomfortably large clitoris, or 
B) pixel resolution in camera-phones still have a ways to go.
The perceived evidence was enough to cause a massive wave of Twits, forum posts, blogs, and amateurly edited photoshop work throughout the internet, the four most influential and factually correct media sources as shown by internet polling.
“It kind of makes sense. I mean, she’s German, right?” stated fan Staci Romani.
Speculation to the validity of the rumor was dealt a vicious blow when Lady Gaga herself allegedly agreed that she did, indeed, have both the male and female genitalia. “But it’s only a tiny one,” one blog stated that she claimed.
Lady Gaga had fallen, literally, into the music scene as a songwriter for such acts as Akon back in 2008. Using her disco house beats, love of fashion, and surprisingly full and muscular physique, Lady Gaga lured openly obnoxious blogger and wanna-be celebrity Perez Hilton into a friendship. The pair seemed inseparable, and would have been Hollywood’s hottest couple if not for the obvious problem of Perez Hilton being a Dodgers fan.
There was also the matter of Perez Hilton being openly gay that quelled the rumors of a platonic love gone awry between the pop star and exposé creator. However, the rumor of Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite now seems more like a smoke-screen to what may up-end Perez Hilton’s coasting ship of celebridom, the questioning of his sexuality.
“It seems that Perez Hilton may suffer from a new level of self-loathing that has only recently emerged in society,” explained Dr. Martin Hoff. “In short, based on his relationships, and the zeal in which he portrays his sexuality to the general public, Mr. Hilton may very well be a closet heterosexual. Sadly, he may actually dislike having sex with men.”
This rumor gained steam when Hilton began socializing with Lady Gaga at dance clubs and on the red carpet, including a “mock” sex video that has not currently been released on Hilton’s website. “Using the ‘I’m gay’ line to get women has been around since the late nineties. Hell, I’ve used it myself,” stated Ben Affleck.
“Obviously, Perez and Lady Gaga have slept with each other. I don’t know if it was because they were drunk, as usual, or if Perez really is a closet hetero, “explained D-list blogger Anthony Vitallo. “What I do know is if Lady Gaga truly is a hermaphrodite, then Perez is in the clear, and he can continue to talk about horrible clothing ensembles and how Miss California is a stuck-up b*tch until he’s blue in the face.”
At the very least, we can read the lyrics “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun” from the song “Poker Face” with a whole new interpretation.