Hollywood, CA: The first half of this year has taken down a lengthy list of celebrities that we hold dear to our hearts: Ed McMahon; Natasha Richardson; that guy who played Khan in Star Trek; Bea Arthur; David Carradine; Michael Jackson; Farrah Fawcett; Dom DeLuise; Billy Mays; Walter Cronkite; Steve McNair; Les Lye; and, of course, Gidget the Taco Bell chihuahua. There were more casualties, but considering we pushed the envelope giving you that long a list, we’ll let a few slide.
The reasons for the expirations of the individuals had seemed to vary: heart failure; homicide; extreme eroticism; being run over by a truck while chasing cars(Les Lye, obviously.) However, coroners and scientists are not so sure. The causes, it seems, maybe all be linked to one reoccurring viral strain: the 
pheerodelizto virus, or as they call it in Hollywood, The Reaper.
“In each case, there was a different level of pheerodelizto spread,” explained microbiologist Dr. Kenneth Green. “For some, like Farrah Fawcett and Dom DeLuise, the levels were so high it’s surprising that they didn’t go earlier. For others, like Michael Jackson and Walter Cronkite, they had not been exposed to even minute portions of pheerodelizto in the past. When they were infected with trace amounts, their immune systems were in shock, and were unable to recover.”
There are no known medical procedures to combat the pheerodelizto virus. For some, like Tony Danza and Corey Haim, the body’s defense mechanisms seem impenetrable. Others, like Neil Patrick Harris, seem to make miraculous recoveries when infected. Then there are those like Michael Jackson whose bodies wilt under trace amounts.
“It’s very hard to resist the chronic nature of this virus,” continued Dr. Green. “Sometimes the cure is as small as a cameo in a ridiculous comedy. Sometimes the cure is as large as a star on the sidewalk of Hollywood Blvd. Some even need an Oscar. It all depends on the amount of infection.”
Since treatment is best effective at the early stages, here are some warning signs of the pheerodelizto virus:
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excessive fatigue
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drug/alcohol/sex abuse
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dramatic actors & actresses that begin to act in slapstick comedy
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comedy actors & actresses that neglect to garner more than 2 stars in three consecutive movies
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actors & actresses that succumb to doing horror or “straight to DVD” movies after winning an Academy or SAG award
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musicians who try their hand in the movie business
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anyone who socializes with Pauley Shore
Hopefully, with the proper measures of prevention, Hollywood can quell the epidemic currently sweeping through California.