Washington, DC: As President Obama reached the six-month anniversary of his taking the Oath of Office, his administration was officially dubbed a failure by the American populace.
“That good-fer-nothin Muslim promised us all sorts of stuff, and none of it’s happened,” said Cletus Popper, a Kentucky coal miner. “The war in Eye-raq, the Tally-ban, free healthcare for my young’uns… none of it! If I’da registered to vote, and if I’da voted for Mr. John McCain, I bet I’d be sittin’ on a pile of hunnert dollar bills right now.”
Indeed, Republican legislators have been happy to point out the President’s lack of success. To date, Obama has not: 
- managed to end a war involving hundreds of thousands of American soldiers.
- establish independence from foreign oil that has been going on for decades.
- undone economic damage done by years of flawed Wall Street practices.
- fixed a multi-billion dollar healthcare system that has hundreds of lobbyists fighting for the status quo.
Bob Pyspants, leading Republican in the Senate, said, “Personally, I don’t see what the holdup is; I could have fixed the economic crisis over the weekend. A few tax cuts to the really wealthy… instant trickle-down… boom, problem solved!”
Further compounding the perception of the President’s lack of productivity is his lackadaisical approach to the job. Already, President Obama has taken one entire weekend off from the job to spend with his wife in New York City. He also has not visited 180 nations across the globe; in fact, according to Sarah Palin, he has not even visited Alaska since taking office. “At least, that’s what my staffers tell me,” Palin said. “I haven’t err… been in Alaska myself, lately. But he hasn’t either! Doesn’t he take his responsibility to the voters of Alaska seriously? They deserve the representation they voted for!”
In response, the White House has protested that it has not yet had the time to have a significant impact. In a press release this morning, the administration stated that “it took nearly a week to move all their furniture into the White House. Plus, there was painting and trips to the grocery store and those three days where the President got lost wandering around the West Wing.”
Also interfering with the President’s progress is a stubborn desire to take the time to do background checks on various political appointees. Rahm Emmanuel, the White House Chief of Staff, said, “For some reason, the President has insisted upon vetting his nominees. Whereas the previous administration was happy to give hobos off the street the opportunity to join the Presidential Cabinet, Mr. Obama wants us to find qualified and decent individuals. Needless to say, it’s been a difficult process.”
GOP detractors, however, are not assuaged. Tomorrow, they plan to introduce impeachment proceedings in the House of Representatives. “He’s had sufficient time to radically alter the American political landscape, and he’s failed. It’s time for new leadership,” commented Senator Pyspants. “Some people have said this is an unprecedented and unnecessary move, but didn’t they see the whole Clinton thing happen? We tried to throw him out of office for lying about oral sex, so this is TOTALLY legit, compared to that.”
In the meantime, President Obama is soon expected to introduce the “Safely Transform Federal Undertakings–National Office of Business Standards” legislation. The President says that his “STFU-NOOBS” Act will accomplish everything he wants for the foreseeable future.